hacked

the gmail account that this blog was linked to got hacked by some sort of fabulous virus. so i am leaving, dear friends for greener (& hopefully better protected!) pastures. if you responded in comments to the below posts, i will email you my new location. if you didn't respond, but want to follow, drop me a comment. i'll leave this blog up for a bit, but i won't be posting here any longer.
i hate doing this, since i'm sure i'll lose some of my few readers & contrary to my claims that i write just for myself, i do enjoy the company in my writings & wanderings.
thanks for reading, & i hope to see you over on the new blog!!

world cup

i am loving that there are a minimum of 6hrs of soccer on a day. awesome.

cabin fever

i am antsy. i need to get out of the house. but i am not yet capable of lifting anything other than emmma (altho thankfully i CAN finally lift her by myself!) & i am still on lots of drugs, nor can i move very fast, so driving or going anywhere with the dudes is pry not the best idea. i also am not yet up for walking any where more significant than around the house & after trying stairs this morning decided that it may be a few days yet before i can manage our second floor.
c-section complications are not fun. (& i don't want to hear any crap about having a c-section. it was safest for em & for me. we don't take risks with our kids' health. end of story. even knowing what would happen afterwards, i'd still chose the surgery again.)
anyways-- regardless of all that, i am bored & antsy & in need of some sort of action.





a couple personal notes:

karianne-- if you're reading, stay tuned. once i find my camera, i have some pics to share, just for you & miss K!

kristi from nebraska-- if you're reading, lurkers like you are the reason i'm dragging my feet about going private. i don't write with inspriation as my intent, but knowing it's been a source of entertainment or hope for you makes me feel like maybe i've done a tiny bit of good in the world, especially knowing how lonely i felt after losing our first boys. i hope you don't mind being mentioned in a post (if you do, i'll remove this) but i just wanted to say thanks for de-lurking long enough to comment!

updates

so the mini-surgery (raelly jsut re-opening the incision to drain the blood) went awesome yesterday-- no anesthesia & i was home in 2 hrs, just in time to feed a hungry emma. :)
so i'm still a bit sore, but the horrible burning feeling is gone & i am hopeful that in a week or so i'll be feeling better. as long as i don't need *real* surgery again, the biggest bummer over all this is that it's going to take longer to heal, but at least i can be home while i'm healing. i go back on monday & we'll see how things are looking then.

in other news-- i got our mo.by wrap today & so far really like it! yes, it's going to be warm this summer, but i mostly want it for around the house & i can crank our air conditioning as needed. i originally got the k't.an, but discovered that the size that fit the rest of me did NOT work with the boobs. or, it worked with the boobs, but left no room for baby. so i returned that one, which other wise i think i would have liked & went with the classic. emma is currently happily curled up in a "hug" hold right now. :)

at the risk of having to eat my words....

i am feeling a bit more optimistic today.
i have enough milk pumped for a couple feedings. 2 bottles (the max i can figure she'd need, altho i'm hoping she'll just sleep the whole time) will NOT permanently put her off the boob, since that's all i plan on offering the kid once i'm home.
once they stop the bleeding & the pressure is off the giant wound, i'm guessing (hoping) i'll feel loads better. kind of like when you finally get the splinter out, or pop that giant blister... right?
i am not a wuss & am thinking N will pry stress out during the procedure more than i will. (the man is a soldier when it comes to blood & gore, unless it's mine, in which case he tends to freak.)
both my parents are coming over to watch the kids, so despite my totally unfounded, but very real, anxiety over leaving my week-old baby for a couple hours, i know all 3 goobers will be well cared for & spoiled as much as possible during that time.

i am very much looking forward to this all being over.

brief updates & shameless request for good thoughts tomorrow...

the doc appt/mini-surgery for the screwed up incision is tomorrow at 1. i managed (with effort!) to pump plenty for emma in case she's hungry before we get back, but i'm hoping my mom can stave her off (or better yet, that she'll sleep) until i'm home.
i actually feel marginally better today, so i'm hoping if they take care of the bleeding, that i'll really start to feel decent again soon.

em is still doing great, & the boys are awesome as always. they're only mildly interested in their new sister, but we have finally managed to convince them that she is not, in fact, a kitty. i consider the discovery that we're all the sam species an important first step on the path to a healthy sibling relationship, so we're pretty pleased. :)

crushed.

i heard from my doc today, & while em is doing beautifully, i'm not doing quite so well. i've had alot of trouble with the incision from my c-section- in the hospital it wouldnt quit bleeding, & then it became increasingly painful & started oozing again once we got home. sunday night it bled through everything i was wearing, so i put a call in to my doc & went back to the hospital to have it checked out. they didn't find any infection (good) but found lots of bleeding behind the incision (not good). my doc called today fora status report & it's actually been hurting worse. when i told him that he said he thought we'd need to schedule an additional surgery to take care of it (i.e. drain it). i got off the phone & burst into tears, as another surgery means anesthesia, which means no feeding em & more time away from all of my kids.
it's been so hard being home & being unable to do anything. i can't play with my boys, i can't sit on the floor with them or feed them, or help put them to bed. i can't even lift my 8lb daughter. but i can feed her, which means the world to me, espcially since i wasn't able to BF the boys & it's pretty much the only mommy thing i'm capable of doing right now. i've been so proud & happy over how well she's eating. the BFing experience has been everything every says it wont be right away-- it doesn't hurt, she knows exactly how to latch, supply is great, it really coudn't be going smoother & i've been holding on to that as something that's going well, since it's all i can do. it's been keeping my frustration at bay, & the thought of losing that too (even temporarily) just crushed me.
i think my doc guessed how miserable i was at the idea of another hospital stay, so he called back & offered to try to do it with a local anesthetic so i could go home & BF the same day. i was warned that it could be pretty painful & if it was too bad i'd have to have surgery anyways. of course i opted for the local anesthetic & i am going to do my damndest to just deal with the pain. i want to heal, & i want to be home & be with my babies.
the "procedure" is scheduled for thurday afternoon (i asked to push it back a couple days so i can hopefully pump enough for the feeding or 2 i'll miss). i'll be glad to be out of pain, (i tried to describe it to my mom , & its most like being burned. it feels like some one is laying a piece of burning metal across my belly all the time), but i'm dreading this & i'm stressed about pumping screwing with my supply, or em liking bottles more than boob. i hate pumping.
my mom is going to stick around to help out, but she's also having a rough time, since she just found out a dear friend of hers died yesterday by choking during lunch. they had grown less close in recent years bc they no longer lived very near, but it's still hit her hard.
all of this combined with post partum hormones is making me very weepy.
oh, & it's my birthday.

p.s. yes, i'm still planning on going private, so if you haven't already, see the below post & drop me a comment.

going private...

i decided to open this back up briefly, to let you all know i think i'm going private. if you want to keep reading, please drop me a message in comments since i'll need your email to give you access. lurkers, you are welcome to keep reading, you'll just have to de-lurk long enough to let me know. i'm going private to protect the kids' privacy.

Emma

Her birth story really starts on Friday, when we went into L&D with contrax that i *knew* were different, but unfortunately (for me anyways!) weren't making fast enough progress to justify moving up the c-section, so we got a shot of terb.utaline & sent home, where the contrax slowed enough for me to sleep friday night & then persisted through sunday night. i know it sounds weird, but when i went to bed sunday night, i just had a feeling she'd be coming that night. i was up every half hour or so, & then at 2am got woken up with killer contrax, tried to tough it out for a half hour or so (lord knows what i was thinking!) & then called my mom to come over & stay with the guys. N in the meantime had gotten up with the boys, & by 330am we were on our way to the hospital. N called our OB on the way there, who asked no questions & just said he'd meet us there.
i'd been hoping to avoid the whole painful labor thing on the front end, since i knew recovery from surgery would hurt, but no such luck. L&D was super quiet tho & my doc rocks, so we only had to wait til 5 to head into surgery. the spinal was a piece of cake & N & i were talking & laughing thru the whole surgery-- it was a VERY different feeling than when we delivered the boys. much more peaceful, & low(er) stress. Em was born at 533am, she got to stay with me & N all thru the 2hrs i had to be in recovery. it has been beyond wonderful to actually KEEP my baby with me this whole time. i feel like alot of people take for granted being able to hold their baby right away, but after having NICU babies, i've really treasured these first few days with our girl.

She

is here!
Emma X., May 31, 2010, 5:33am. 8lbs 10oz, 20 inches, & perfect in every way.

2 days left!!!

ok, i know the ticker says 1, but thats bc i don't really count today or the day of, so there's only one WHOLE day left, even tho we aren't technically having the baby until tuesday.

either way, i'm excited! altho also kind of dreading the surgery & recovery... c-sections suck. (of course its worth it to have a healthy baby, but they still suck!)

baby announcement "rules"

(great idea karinanne!)

so, when (& if) you all get a "baby is here" text from me/N, please keep any & all gender/name info to yourselves, so my folks & us can have time to spread the news to family without everyone finding out on fb. once you all see a fb announcement go up, it's a free-for-all, & you can say whatever you want. deal? simple congrats are fine, btw, just no details please! :)

5am

& up all by my lonesome.

i *should* be taking advantage of my last weekend to sleep in, since N is home to get up with the boys but sleep is elusive this morning soi gave up at 5 & just got up.

for those interested: contrax continue so far this morning, but am hoping they chill soon. am going to try to convinced N to stay quiet at home today so i can relax & not do much. carting my boys around triggers TONS of contractions, & the suckers freaking hurt (the contrax, not the dudes!) & we're supposed to go to a wedding tonight. or at least the reception, we're skipping the wedding for reasons of comfort (as in, the pregannt woman cannot face an hour long drive to sit in a hard church pew right now).
& bc i can go off on a tangent, i'm going to-- the girl getting married is the 18yo daughter of some friends from church. now i happen to think 18 is kinda young to be married, but whatever, to each their own. i'm not going to knock them bc of their age. that said, when they registered (2 weeks ago!!) apparently they only registered for all the most expensive things at BB&B. now, we aren't rich & i seriously doubt any of their parent's friends or their own 18yo friends are very wealthy, so why on earth did they ask for $100 crock pots? or a $90 knife? (yup, ONE knife!) or a $400 pot & pan set? i know they need some things to get started & i would have liked to get them an actual gift, but good lord-- we can't afford that crap! there were NO reasonably priced gifts on the list. sigh. so we chalked the crazy registry up to inexperience & just got them a gift card. & i'm guessing that's what everyone did, since i went shopping yesterday, the wedding is today & there was NOTHING purchased off their registry. you'd think the parents would have takled some sense into the kids, but who knows. people are weird.

& that's all i have this early in the morning. if you're on my list to be texted, i promise (again) that if anythign exciting happens (like we really go into labor) you'll hear from me. :) enjoy the holiday weekend!

3

days til 3!!

i hope, anyways...

biggotry & fear

a preface: i believe with 100% of my being that gay people are just people. period. it matters to me about as much as someone's hair color, which is to say not at all. i believe they should have every right that a heterosexual person has, including the right to marriage & all the ensuing legal rights & responsibilities. if you feel otherwise, this is not a post for you.


some one very close to me came out recently & accidentally. this person ("B") was "discovered" due to some private correspondence that was left out, although i've *known* for years, without being told, as have many people close to B. B's parents took the news hard, mom bc she was heartbroken B couldn't share their whole self with her, & dad bc he's a very conservative man who struggles with change. the good in the situation is that now B can be exactly who they are without need to hide or pretend, & that B's parents, who i know well & who love their kids unconditionally, will become vehement gay-rights supporters & the best champions B could hope for. the sad in the situation is that B had to struggle & hide in the first place. it came out that B had contemplated suicicide & gone so far as to plan the place & time. hearing that tore at my heart. B is an amazingly talented, smart, engaging, funny person with so much to offer the world, & to think that we live in a world that would make that kind of person feel so badly about themselves that they wanted to die makes me sad & scared for my own children.

i've never understood why for so many people "different" automatically equals "wrong", & i understand even less why those people have to attack individuals who don't fit their notions of normal. bc among the people with whom i choose to surround myself things like race & gender & sexual orientation are non-issues, it becomes easy to forget the biggotry & prejudice that still run rampant in this country. hearing B's story was a close-to-home reminder of how brutal life still is for so many. i hope & pray that i will be able to impart to my own kids a strong enough sense of self & feeling of security that they will be able to live their lives openly as their whole selves, & that they learn compassion & a true sense of what is right & fair.

the world can be a cruel and scary place, especially if you aren't able to find the pockets of compassion & kindness.

still baking

yup, 3 is just where we left the kid, despite torturing mom all night.

& i stand by my last post, even with the ridiculous lack of sleep & discomfort level. i mean, really-- what's the point of coming now? 3 might as well just hang out til the 1st!

6 days left!

tra la la!!

am now beginning to hope baby stays put until the 1st. i mean really, what's the point of coming early now? it's only a few more days to be miserable, & it would actually be kind of nice to have a planned, non-rushed, non-emergency birth. if all goes as planned, 1 week from today, i will be only an hour away from seeing 3 for the first time!

updates on the rest of life

GERD: it's back. not that it ever really left. but conrad is puking again, pretty regularly. his usual M.O. after a medicine switch is to be fine for a while, then progressively get worse & worse. i'm afraid we're on the downward slope again & i am very scared for him. i know if we can't get this under control it's striaght back to the surgeon & this is NOT a surgery that he could bounce back from quickly. i'm going to track everything that passes his lips & see if we can i.d. some triggers (no luck so far) & have cut out all fat from his evening meal & snack. i don't want to omit the high fat diet entirely, since if he starts losing weight again, or even not gaining, we're still headed back to the surgeon. healthy baby vibes are much needed & appreciated, if anyone has some to spare!

walking: conrad FINALLY took his first unassisted steps yesterday. i knew that when he started, it would be when he was certain he could do it all on his own & sure enough-- that's what happened. he'll only take a few at a time, bc he refuses to allow himself to fall, so he gracefully sinks to his knees when he knows he's losing it (unlike val, who just falls on his face & keeps on trucking). but he's walking & we're all so thrilled, especially his brother, who follows him around clapping-- it's super cute & conrad loves it. :)

3: is a stubborn child. i have been having steady & seriously uncomfortable contractions for several days now, but it's not "real" labor (altho it really feels like the early labor i had with the dudes) so other than being really annoying there's nothing new on that front. c-sec is still scheduled for the 1st (next tuesday) & i'm sure this little booger will just stay camped out until the 11th hour. whatever. baby will come when baby will come & in the meantime i'm just trying to stay busy & occupied so i don't dwell on how freaking uncomfortable i am. which is much easier to do when i'm not puking (thanks zo.fran!)

minivans: we're going hunting today. hopefully we'll find something decent & can bring it home. it's not crucial to have before 3 gets here, but it would be much easier to get done while dealing with only 2 kids instead of 3.

apologies: for the dull updates, but sometimes that's life!

touch a truck! & other updates

this morning my mom & i took the guys to "touch a truck" (a free local kiddie event where they bring out a bunch of cool trucks, police cars, school buses, ambulances, etc for kids to climb all over). & they LOVED it. there's just something about boys & machines...

here we are checking out a police car. it wasn't quite as cool as daddy's, but they still enjoyed it & the nice officer (who knew N) let val play with the radio, which is his favorite on N's uniform, so he was totally tickled & refused to give it up until they got him his own little police badge. (con got one too, & some stickers.) oh, & excuse the hideous tie-dyed t-shirt i'm wearing. i'm running out of decent maternity clothes that fit, so i don't want to hear any hippie comments!


the guys with gram, checking out a firetruck's ladder controls (i think). conrad thought the buttons were super cool & we had a hard time prying him away so other kids could see.

val, next to a giant tire on a navy truck.

conrad, examining the grill on a school bus. he takes his fun very seriously.

& that's that. i found some zo.fran, & it turns out that when i'm not puking constantly i'm in a much better mood (go figure!) so i'm going to try to stay as busy as possible & see if i really can jump start labor... altho as you can see from my ticker-- NINE days left! wooooooo!!!!!

for those who are interested in such things-- still having contrax, they still hurt, back ache still comes & goes with contrax, but they won't stay more consistant than at least 1 every half hour or so. yeah, we have bouts where its more intense, but it never lasts, so i'm still convincing myself we're going to wait another 9 days. or, we'll go into labor before the scheduled c-sec, but the night before or something equally ridiculous. :)

also- the observant among you may notice i'm not wearing my boot in the pics. yes, my foot is still broken, & yes, it still hurts, but the d*mn thing weighs a ton & it feels like i'm dragging a lead weight around, which is pretty much intolerable when you're this pregnant. so i've given up. i am so beyond caring about my stupid heel. i'm sure it's a decision i'll regret later, but again-- soooooo beyond caring right now & like i mentioned in an earlier post, i have decided to go with whatever brings me any small bit of happiness. so down with the boot!!

bye.

i think i need to avoid all human contact for a while, as i am veering wildly between happy zen mother, murderous raging psycho & sobbing soggy mess.

i'm going to gather my babies & retreat from the world. if & when i regain my sanity, i'll be back.

forget everything

i said in my last post. i have to have this baby soon or i am going to lose my mind.

physically? i'm fine. emotionally? total wreck.

i think i'm going to spend the rest of the evening trying to regain my zen before i crack.

a new perspective

after a fairly sleepless & cranky night (on my part, not the guys-- they slept from 730pm til 8am!!) i woke up in a surprisingly cheerful mood, & decided to spend the morning outside with my goobers. amazing the change a little sunshine can bring.

i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.

so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.

in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.

perogis, part II

in response to questions:

perogis are kind of like a polish dumpling. they're little dough pockets stuffed with filling, usually potato or cheese, altho i usually do mine with saurkraut, bacon & sour cream, per N's preference.

yup, they are completely from scratch & one of the few polish dishes i really do well (if i do say so myself). they are a HUGE pain to make, but i always make a huge batch & freeze them (which is why i made them now, so we can have them to munch on after 3 gets here.)

N is really good about eating all my spicy armenian/lebanese cooking, so i learned how to do his grandma's (aka busia's) kapusta & perogis so i can give the poor polock a treat on occasion.

next on my list of cooking to freeze is a giant batch of pasties (they're a northen michigan thing) but they'll be happening tomorrow, as i need a break after the perogi marathon!



oh-- if where i am was just a bit closer to hamtramck, we would totally hit up the polish shops for N... maybe this summer i'll drag him out there anyways so he can have a taste of home :)

perogis

take a long time to make.

everyone is sick, & i am going to be pregnant forever.

sound dramatic? sorry, i'm a bit punchy.

conrad woke up at 5 with a ridiculous fever, i got it down to 100 ish with ty.lenol (generic), but have been unable to put him down all day, which is rough bc val is still sick too (altho not quite as sick as his bro.) took the guys to the doc, & its a virus, so there's nothing we can do but tylen.ol, etc. except-- conrad has lost a half pound in just a few days. not a huge deal for a kid not fighting GERD & weight loss on a good day, but for con it's bad news & if we can't get him eating/drinking again ASAP we're in trouble (doc's words & i am so determined to get him eating i didn't even ask what "trouble" meant.) so i got ice cream & pudding & avocados & other delicious treats (his favs) in an attempt to get him to eat. no luck so far, but he is drinking a little again & i'm hoping when he wakes he'll be up for a little munching. val, on the other hand, has decided that as long as i'm going to feed him ice cream, he'll eat again. not as much as usual, but at least he's eating.

oh & N is getting sick now too.

& i am recovering from my sick, but still having random bouts of nausea (pg related i'm sure) & contrax all day, that won't get regular enough for me to think i'm in labor, but are regular enough to make me super uncomfortable & miserable, & keep me awake for the better part of the night. & once i'm alseep, it's pretty much a guarantee that a poor little sicky will wake up & need mama. i don't begrudge the boys the time, but i could really do without the uselses contractions.

so, according to murphy's law & our good luck, i will either be super contract-y & miserable until june, left to care for all these sickies by my 9-mo. pregnant lonesome, OR i will go into labor like, tomorrow, while everyone is horribly sick, so that i'll be bringing a new baby home to a cess-pool of germs & a daddy unable to help.



p.s. on ta.bitha's salon ta.keover that's on in rerun right now (crappy show, i know....) you can see my old apartment in boystown in chi..cago i don't miss much of chi, but i did love that apartment....

belly/baby pics

here is the 37 week belly. (yeah, i know i have no head & its a 3/4 view... N isn't the best photographer & i was in a rush to shower after being in the garden all afternoon. so i figured a bad picture was better than none!)& for fun, here's the boys at 37 weeks, not quite 3 weeks old & still in the NICU. so tiny & sweet.... makes me look forward to meeting #3 all the more, especially since we'll get to take 3 home with us right away! :)

10 reasons i love my life right now (or: a break from the whiney preggo rants)

1. conrad is GAINING weight! he's spunkier than ever & definetly feeling his wheaties lately, & i am SO thrilled. val has his playmate back, & both my guys are on the growth charts! :)



2. i got the start of my garden today.



3. N & i got to go to breakfast all by ourselves this morning, thanks to my wonderful mom. i can't remember the last time we went anywhere together without kids. it was awesome.



4. N finally opened up about what's been stressing him. (the expense of another baby. i figured that was it, but am glad he finally TALKED to me about it. we re-did our budget & planned out our next few months & i think he's feeling more in control again.)



5. despite my total lack of confidence in my looks lately & the fact that i've gained a ton of weight, lots more stretch marks & permanent dark circles under my eyes, for about an hour today my husband made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.



6. the guys are learning so much lately, everyday they find something new & it is an absolute joy to watch them discover the world.



7. we got our first peek at 3's face. there was still an arm thrown across it, but from what i could see, 3's going to be pretty cute!



8. we have (almost everything) we need for 3!!

9. N is marinating ribs right now for a bbq tomorrow :)

10. i actually had a few spare moments to reflect on how incredibly lucky i am to live this life. uplifting introspective moments have become rare for me lately, & it was nice to be reminded how lucky we really are.

just call me calamity jane

so in the last month, i've broken my heel (which now won't freaking heal), caught some sort of evil flu bug, & now both the guys have croup.

oh, & just to keep things interesting, some stupid teenager pulled a gun on his girlfriend's mom right up the street from us & then took off running through our neighborhood. N tells me he's probably holed up in a house around the corner, so the boys and i will be hiding indoors for the rest of the day.

if this is some kind of mean joke the universe is playing on this poor preggo, i do wish it would stop, as i'm rapidly approaching my limit.

10 quirks

yup, i stole this. it looked like fun & i have nothing to say that's not whiney so i thought i'd blog this instead of complaining.

1. i hate public pooping. i get that sometimes it's unavoidable, but smelling some strangers sh*t grosses me out so much i will about face & run from any public bathroom if there is a hint of poop funk in the air.

2. i think spiders are evil. i cannot stand them & use our cat felon to kill them when N is unavailable.

3. i LOVE sunglasses & own at least 20 pairs. they just make me happy. i think it's bc i wore glasses for so many years & could never wear sunglasses, so now that i can (contacts) i go a bit overboard.

4. altho i love being a SAHM, i still feel residual guilt for not using any of my expensive degrees anymore, & worry that people think i'm a bit of a loser for chosing this life instead of the prestige & money. & i do miss the money....

5. i cannot live without IB.C rootbeer.

6. i'm scared of chemicals & am psycho about feeding the kids only organic everything & using only kid & animal safe cleaners. (lots of vinegar & baking soda, & method cleaners.) my mom & most of my friends think i'm nuts.

7. i don't think i will ever wear shorts again, & have serious doubts about wearing a bathing suit. i hate stretch marks, & have so many on my legs (including all around my calves) from the guys that have only gotten worse with this pregnancy, i'm not sure i'll ever feel comfortable showing much skin again. which is odd for me, since i used to be very confident with how i looked, & now i find myself trying to come to terms with the "new" me & struggling.

8. i used to be a fan of sex with eyes wide open, but ever since the boys' pregnancy i keep them tight shut. not bc i don't want to see N, but bc i don't want to accidentally catch a glimpse of me.

9. i don't miss meat & am planning on staying a (mostly) vegetarian after 3 is born.

10. i don't really mind waking up with the boys at 3 in the morning. they're so sweet & cuddley & i treasure the quiet moments with them. altho i know it drives N nuts, i'm not ready to give it up yet & am glad they aren't ready either.

life after loss

bc i am home alone with just my goobers today (N is working--we did our little mother's day celebration on friday with my folks), & i'm waiting for my tomatoes to roast for lunch (altho i have no chocolate shake, so i'm settling for chocolate milk) i actually have a minute to blog & be thoughtful, so please excuse the introspective post today.

despite the fact that i have 2 beautiful sons sleeping upstairs, & a third baby due in just a few weeks, today i find myself dwelling on the sons i never got to meet. in january 2007, i became a childless mom for the first time, and a little over a year later, when we lost our second son, my heart broke into a million pieces & i despaired of ever being a mom. i doubted whether i'd ever be a whole person again, & sunk into blackness. every day was a struggle, & even when i wore a smile i felt like every scrap of happiness i had known had disapeared with the sweet boy we never even got to hold.
after 8 months of the worst depression i'd ever felt, i finally started fighting to be happy again, & was able to snatch moments of peace & a few genuine smiles from my life, but i still felt like only part of a person. i was a mom, but without a child, totally rudderless and without any outlet for all the love & care & overwhelming emotions that come with having a baby of your own. it was then, trying to come to grips with the permanent absence of my sons, that we found out we were pregnant with con & val, & i felt hope again.
as difficult and frightening as that pregnancy was, it healed me. i don't know that i would ever have recovered without them. i would have gone on, sure, but as an incomplete version of myself. the boys brought joy back into my life, & gave me a reason to strive to be the woman i've always wanted to be. i can't put into words what motherhood means to me. this family is all i've ever wanted & i am grateful.

so today, despite having found my own happy, i find myself thinking of the moms out there still struggling to heal & those who may never heal, & i wish for them peace, & the return of joy.

if you're up to it, please share what healed you after your loss or infertility struggle, or what you still hope for, & maybe we can all find some hope in the stories. much love & happy mother's day, whether your babies are on earth, in heaven or still on their way.

i smell.

i am too tired to do more than wipe the remains of conrad's dinner out of my hair.
i smell like vomit.

musings at t-minus 26 days

is it wrong that i am sort of more excited about simply not being pregnant anymore than i am about having another baby?

we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.

i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.

i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.

to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.

28 days left & i'm on the warpath

28 days at most & i am getting antsy.

well, antsy & b*tchy.

i had to restrain myself from making snide comments to a old work buddy on fb today when she announced that she & her hubs are expecting twins. i also had to restrain myself from jumping down N's throat yesterday for spending 4 hrs visiting with his parents, who he never sees. i had to stop myself from yelling at my mom for not getting enough fabric to make 2 curtains for 3's room. i find myself having to bite my tongue to keep from saying things like "wuss" to my friend who keeps talking about how difficult it is to be a SAHM to her one child. in short, i am acting like a big brat & driving even myself nuts.

i never felt like this with the boys, bc my overwhelming emotion was fear. i'm not afraid this time, just cranky as h*ll. & when even i felt cranky with the twins, i also felt justified in my b*tchiness after months of bedrest & constant fear & stress. this time, i have zero justifiable reasons to be a jerk & yet cannot stop myself from wanting to lash out at anyone & everyone.

mercifully, the only people excaping my wrath right now are the little dudes. somehow the complete lack of patience doesn't seem to extend to them & i am grateful for that. however, if 3 takes another 28 days to get here, we may be making it on our own, since i seriously doubt there will be anyone left who wants to deal with me by then, except perhaps my babies.

more photos in lieu of writing

Because no one really wants to read another whiney pregnant lady blog, here are some more recent pics of my little dudes.

on the swings at the park, waiting for daddy to get his act together & get to pushing.

conrad with one of my aunts, enjoying being the center of attention.

val, being a big boy & going down the slide all by himself! (mom was waiting to catch him at the end.)

& now to return to laying on my couch, ignoring the bottles soaking my sink. happy sunday everyone!

i think it's working! (knock wood)

as an update for those i haven't talked to yet: i'm not sure whether i posted about con's GERD here or not, so here's the background, in brief--

his reflux was not well controlled on meds & he was losing weight (pounds of it) despite being on enough pre.vacid for a grown man, so we got referred to a surgeon for a fundoplica.tion as a last resort. (fundoplic.ation= scary stomach surgery, with a large chance of being only a temporary fix & an awful recovery for conrad.) when we saw the surgeon, he had miraculously gained a little weight back & bc the risks of this surgery are so great for such a little guy, (he's very small, the recurence rate is close to 90% for kids who have a fundo.plication before age 2, general anethesia is esepcially dangerous for babies with GERD, the recovery is long & really awful bc it would impact his entire digestive system, & the list goes on), the surgeon advocated waiting another 6 mos to make a decision. as long as we can keep him comfortable on the pre.vacid & get him back on a normal growth curve, we can wait. there's no guarantee he won't need the surgery in the future, but the older he is the safer it will be.
anyways-- the kid is now on a high fat diet to gain weight.
problem: high fat & reflux are a BAD combination, & the new diet brought the GERD back in force, with all of its nastiest symptoms & lots of pain for conrad.
thanks to some wonderful friends & lots of research, we (i think) have the boy on a program that actually works!!! we front load the fatty stuff-- cream in his milk, ranch dressing at lunch (yup, ranch! apparently preemie taste buds hate bland & he has done MUCH better eating since we've spiced up his chow), & lost of snacks in the morning & early afternoon, & then we remove the high fat/high cal stuff for dinner & bedtime snacks. so far-- minimal puking & only occasional mild reflux attacks, & he seems MUCH more comfortable.

i'm really hopefuly this will work & we can get him gaining again... so please, keep fingers crossed, rub a lucky rabbbit's foot, or just think some "healthy kid" vibes for him!

daddy's hat

the guys, playing with dad's hat & basically just being cute.

& me, with conrad at the park. i posted this mostly for the lovely shot of my walking boot, that i'm hoping very much to lose next week!
& that's it. nothing clever to say. just photos!

favorites

if you weren't an "only", did you feel that your parents (or either parent) had a favorite child?

i think i used to be my dad's favorite, but with sobriety he has become more even keeled, which i think both my brother & i appreciate, & i don't feel like he has a favorite kid now. hoever, i've always felt that my mom did (& does) & it's never been me. if you know me at all, you know that i adore my mom & we have an amazing relationship, so saying she has a "favorite" sounds worse than i intend it to. so let me try to explain further. i don't think she loves my brother more. but she has always catered to him, celebrated him & treasured time spent with him in a way she never has with me.
some examples: 1) if he calls while i am on the phone with her, she will hang up with me to speak with him. if i call while she's on the phone with him, she won't answer the phone, & will instead call me back later. 2) (& the only time i've ever really been furious with her) when the boys were still in the NICU, i wouldn't allow my brother in to see them bc he was recovering from the flu, & she demanded we let him in. we didn't, of course, & she was genuinely upset that we put our sons over hers, altho she never phrased it that way.)
i wonder now if it has anything to do with him being the baby, or a boy, or if it's bc i was a pretty independent kid, or if maybe it's bc he had such terrible asthma as a child that he was hospitalized frequently. i know first hand that if you have a sick child, it's very easy to become preoccupied with the sicky at the expense of your less "needy" children.
& i wonder if having a percieved "favorite" is an inevitable fact of parenting more than one child. it's human nature to identify more with some people than others (think about it-- isn't there a parent or sibling you felt closer to, despite that fact that you presumably loved both of your parents, etc? it's just how people work.) i could NEVER, NEVER pick between my children, but i know that as they grow, i will feel closer to one or more of them than others at times, & i wonder if i will be able to effectively counter that so that ALL of my kids feel loved & special. of course i'll try, but i'm guessing my folks tried too, & i still felt it. so can it be done? can we really impose equality on both our feelings & in our children's perception of those feelings?

hurry up & slow down

i want the next few weeks to fly, so i can meet #3 & finally start healing from being pregnant for what feels like years. at the same time tho, i don't want to hurry anything, bc i don't want to lose a minute with my guys. i'll miss them in the hospital, & i know it will take me a while once we get home to get in the swing of having 3 little ones. the boys at a very snuggly, needy age at the moment, & while i know my mom will do a wonderful job of catering to them, i know it will bother me that it won't be ME with them.
don't get me wrong, i do want to spend the time getting to know 3. i want 3 to get the same level of devotion that our first babies got from us, but i know what it is to have to divide your attention, & it hurts, even when you know it's the best thing for everyone. once 3 is here, everything will work out fine, of course, & i will have worried for nothing. but in the meantime i can't help but worry a little, & spend every spare moment i have trying to make my big boys feel as special & loved as i can.


EDIT: ok, i also have to point out here, that while we have just over 30 days til 3's scheduled birthday, 3 could techincally come anytime after may 14th (37 weeks) & be fine. this is just 16 days away!!! anyone want to make some birthday predicitions? i personally think 3 will be a late may baby...

i'm so over it.

forgive me, but i'm ready not to be pregnant & broken for a while. it's been a looooong freaking 2 years, & i am tired & pukey, sick of waddling & wishing i could run & play with my kids again like a normal mom. i'm sick of the "boy, aren't you going to have your hands full" comments (NOT original folks!), i'm sick of strangers staring at my belly & booted foot & twins, & i just want us to be a regular old family for a while, with no dr's appts, no catastrophes, & no surprises of any sort (at least for a little while!)

thank God we only have a few weeks left until 3 is here. i'm even looking forward to the newborn insanity (or at least getting it over with ASAP!) i can make it, right?

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can....

a brief fashion show

the guys, (in my mom's lap), wearing the shirts mollie (www.AGingerMadeThis.etsy.com) made for them & posing GQ style. (this pic really cracks me up, bc the face val is making is the EXACT same face N makes in pictures. this stuff really must be genetic!)

btw-- if you haven't checked out mollie's site, do it!!! i ordered a diaper bag from her that i LOVE, & the shirts are soooo cute! (& machine & dryer safe) in case you can't tell from the pic, they're little ties sewn onto t-shirts. totally adorable!

a note to 3, at 33w6d

at this point in out last pregnancy, the boys were already here & had been here for a few days. we could hold them, but they couldn't yet breathe or eat on their own. they were petite little munchkins, with skinny baby butts & scrunchy faces, & they were the most beautiful people i have ever seen.
3 won't be here for several weeks yet, but i can't help but wonder-- who do you look like? do you have a head of fair hair, like your brothers? do you like to sleep with your arms over your head, like conrad, or with them straight out at your sides, like val? are you a thumb sucker?
i feel like we knew your big brothers so much better at this point, since we had so many ultrasounds. you're stayed a little mystery, growing & kicking & bopping away. despite the chaos raging on the outside, you've been peaceful & secure. are you really a laid back baby, or are you just biding your time until you can join in the happy insanity that is our family?
in spite of all the grumpiness going on lately, & our total lack of preparation, i AM looking forward to meeting you, discovering your personality & learning your quirks. you may have been a surprise (ok, a shock), & you may be third, but you are no less loved & no less wanted.

stay safe & grow strong little one, & know that you are loved.

be warned: this is a psycho pregnant lady rant

every scrap of clothing in our house needs to be washed. plus, in a burst if nesting fervor yesterday, i pulled out a bunch of newborn stuff to be washed & folded for 3. (dragging giant tupperware tubs of baby clothes up from our basement after spending hours wandering ikea in a fruitless search for a shelf= bad idea.) i started the wash this morning with puke/pee laundry bc it was stinkiest, & next up is N's mountain of work shirts, (also very stinky), altho to be honest i was seriously tempted to just set fire to his sh*t on the lawn this morning.

i think i've finally hit the super grumpy, exhausted, everything & everyone pisses me off stage of pregnancy.

pretty much all of my patience & smiles are used up on the boys, so by the time i see N at the end of the day i have nothing left, & it's taking a toll.
he was such a b*tch yesterday for unknown reasons. (my guess is that the man is feeling the stress of being totally unready for the pending baby, etc, but bc he is who he is, he will admit to nothing & will just act like a big jerk rather than own up to feeling anxious.) so after trying to cheer him up, offering to help with his "chores", & failing to elicit anything but snide remarks, i gave up & was pretty much annoyed with him all day.
& then i dreamt last night that he had an affair. woke up crying & furious with him. yeah, yeah, it was a dream, but i was still pissed.

aside from general stress, i think part of our pissiness towards each other is actually due to the lack of love life lately. not from lack of desire on any one's part, but bc i am TIRED. by the time N gets home, i have been up since 6 with 2 small men hanging on me ALL day (the guys are going thru a very clingy stage) & the thought of another human trying to touch me pretty much makes my skin crawl. by that point, i don't even want the cats in my lap, & by the time we get the kids to bed, i am usually laying on the couch, drinking water & fending off the BHC that get ever more frequent & uncomfortable throughout the day so i can finally go to sleep.
& due to our awesome procrastinating, on his days off, the "must-do" list is so long that the "want-to" list never gets done. plus, the added grumpiness on his part definetly does NOT make me want to rip his clothes off.

yeah, i know-- this too shall pass, blah, blah, blah.

i think my larger problem at the moment is just that i've hit the frantic, must prepare, grumpy & exhausted for no reason part of this pregnancy. & the fact that i can accomplish none of the things i want to get done without help (stupid broken foot) is driving my type A self absolutely batty. grr.

Twin v. Singleton Belly: Part VII

33 1/2 weeks with #3. (yeah, i'm in pj's & look crappy. everyone will just have to deal with it!)

& 30 weeks with the boys. this was the last belly pic i took with the guys, since shortly after this i started getting really sick with pre-e, & we were in & out of the hospital way too much to think about things like belly pics.
i think i look similarly big, i'm just carrying REALLY differently. believe it or not, at this point with the guys, i was actually measuring past 40 weeks. & conrad was pretty much living in my rib cage. ah, good times! carrying 1 at a time is SOOOOOO much easier, even when it sucks.

& i have to say, i'm ready not to be pregnant anymore. no, i don't want to rush 3-- as far as i'm concerned, 3 can take all the time the baby wants, since we are totally unprepared still. i just mean i'm looking forward to the end of the summer, when (hopefully) i will be sleeping a bit again & will have lost (some) of the baby weight & will generally be feeling less like a small planet. i will have been pregnant or recovering from being pregnant for pretty much 2 years straight by the time 3 gets here, & i'm ready for a break!!

10 reasons why i am a bad wife today.

1. the laundry is clean, but scattered between the dryer & various laundry baskets.
2. bottles are stacked by the sink, waiting to be washed, & i fully plan on leaving them there until after dinner.
3. the boys breakfast cheerios are still all over the floor, as are the bird's morning carrots, (they decided orange isn't cool today & threw them all out of their cage at the cats.)
4. my living room looks like a daycare that hasn't been cleaned in a week.
5. i am still in pj's.
6. the boys are still in pj's.
7. we will be eating leftovers for the 2nd night in a row, bc the thought of cooking makes me want to hurl.
8. digger has yogurt in his fur from an over-enthusiastic baby hug. i am not going to attempt to bathe the cat.
9.i think my cell phone is lost somewhere in the boy's playhouse. i have no plans to go look for it.

& 10. i am too tired to care about any of this. we played all morning, the boys are fed, they are (relatively) clean, totally happy, & napping peacefully, & i am going to go join them. chores be damned.

i'm soliciting tips!

no, not the $ kind of tips, altho if you want to throw some of that our way, that would be cool too!

i'm looking for some (friendly) advice on life with toddlers + newborn. i know, most of you don't have 2 almost-toddlers at home, but i'm sure all tips can be adapted, right?

in the end, of course every family has to figure out what works best for them, & honestly we totally disregarded most "advice" we got on having twins, but sometimes fresh ideas are a good thing, & since i'm SOL on all the "nesting" i want to do lately (stupid broken foot!), pouring over some "mommy" advice is like virtual nesting for me, so please, comment!!!! (& help keep me sane!)

birth stories

sometimes they make me sad.

a couple friends have blogged recently about the births of their older kids, & while i love reading the stories, they make me kind of wistful.

we had to have a c-section with the boys. they let me labor until i was 5 or 6 cm, & then my blood pressure skyrocketed & we needed a c-sec NOW. obviously, when your kids' health is at stake, you don't have a lot of options. i don't regret that surgery one bit-- it brought us our beautiful sons, safe & sound. but bc of the internal incision, my odds of success with a vaginal birth now are optimistically around 50%. i blogged about this some time ago, when N & i decided that those weren't good enough odds for us, & we were opting for a repeat c-section. i stand by that decision, i really do. after talking with my OB (who is generally fairly anti-c-section), we feel like it's the safest option for 3 & for me. but....

hearing the stories of reaching down to feel the baby's head, or even just HOLDING the baby right after birth, make me long for that kind of delivery. you don't get to hold your baby after a c-section. & while i don't mind at all that N gets to be the first to hold our kids, it hurts that i can't hold them right away, too.

in the long run of course, none of this matters. i don't love my boys any less for having them delivered surgically, & it won't change my feelings for 3 or the relationships i have with my kids. it's just the loss of a single moment in their lives & in mine, but it's a moment i'll never get to experience, & that makes me kind of sad.

they called the cops on us!

when i went to the doc yesterday for my foot, N was able to take a couple hours off work to watch the guys. since it was the middle of the day & he was going right back out on the road, he didn't put on street clothes, just stayed in uniform & drove his cruiser home. so the cruiser was parked in front of our house for maybe 2 1/2 hours, during which time our incredibly nosy neighbor came out of his house, circled the car, stared at the house & wrote down the cruiser's plate number, & called the post to report the car. i'm not really sure what he thought would happen, but he apparently thought the fact that a cop car was parked for 2 hours in front of a house was a big deal.
N's supervisor was, of course, completely aware of where N was & what he was doing, & told the guy that he was aware of the location of the car as well as his trooper, at which point the guy got beligerant with the sergeant, yelled some obscentities & hung up.

really?
i mean, really?
this is what our neighbors do with their time?
does it not occur to people that employees of the state (yes, i mean police) also get time off for things like family emergencies & lunch?

i assumed the guy was being nosy & wanted to know what was up, thinking there was some kind of illegal stuff going on, & N pointed out that maybe the guy thought i was having some kind of illicit affair with a cop while my devoted husband was gone at work. (i suggested we actually put that theory to practice before he went back to work, but like the good trooper he is, he refused to indulge my little fantasy... alas!) anyways, mostly i think the guy was just a nosy jerk.

i really dont' get people sometimes. whatever happened to being good neighbors?

oh dear....

can i just mention how hard it is to chase after/crawl after my dudes with this cast thing on my leg? um, yeah. they can totally crawl away from me & i can't catch them. both took off sans diaper during a diaper change this afternoon & i had to wait until i could sneak up on the little boogers to cover their naked butts. good times!

i'm assuming this will get easier, but in the meantime, at least the boys are enjoying mama's moon boot! :)

the ugly green monster

let me preface this by saying, the kids are worth everything i'm about to complain about & then some, & there is NO way i would trade them for anything. that said....

my best bud was over this weekend, & she has been doing WW & hitting the gym big time, & well, she looks awesome. she had just got her hair done, & was all skinny & even dressed up cute (not for me & the boys, but bc she was going on a date with the dude we set her up with later that day), & talking about a cruise she's going on at the end of this week thru mexico.
i was wearing pajama pants (comfiest thing ever when preggo, but not attractive) & one of N's t-shirts bc i was doing laundry & all of my shirts had been puked on recently, hadn't showered in 2 days, so i had a real resemblence to medusa going on, & i was gimping around like a schmuck bc of my stupid ankle. & i felt like the world's frumpiest, most boring housewife ever.

i don't begrudge my bud any of the good times she has coming, she's had her shares of woes & i know she wants very much to be a "boring" housewife & mom, so i'm pretty sure she'd smack me if she knew i was here complaining, but MAN did i feel lame.
less bc of her pending vacation (which is much deserved) & more bc she looks so great, & i look nothing like "myself". (or at least the version of myself i still stupidly expect to see in the mirror. the one who didn't have 3 kids in under 2 years.) i hate not having clothes that fit, i hate the extra 20 lbs that i know are going to hang on for months after 3 is here. & even tho i know this is part of the deal, & most days i can laugh & be glad i'm having such a healthy pg & growing a big, healthy baby, some days i just feel like a frumpy, homely, schmuck.
& i know that after a few months with #3, i'll be able to go to WW (they have a program for breastfeedings moms) & get back to the gym, & i really can't wait. i am so sick of not feeling like myself, & quite frankly i'm a bit jealous of anyone who still looks skinny & awesome, while i look bloated & tired.

ok, i'm done whining, i swear. i chose this life, & i really do love it, but i can't help the green eyed monster from sneaking up on me occasionally. i'm going to kick him out NOW tho & go back to laughing at my little dudes, who are chatting it up in their cribs instead of napping right now. little boogers!

piece of cake

a friend pointed out to me after my lame post yesterday that "normal" pregnancies are boring, so i shouldn't feel bad. & i have to say, i really agree, altho i'd never thought of it before-- normal pregnancies ARE boring. after the drama & pain of carrying 2 for 7ish mos, this singleton pg has been a walk in the park. this is a piece of cake.
don't get me wrong, maybe i'll be singing a different tune in 6 weeks, but after measuring something like 44 weeks preggo with the dudes at somewhere around 30 weeks (if memory serves) i seriously doubt i'll be THAT miserable, & i have to be honest, i don't really "get it" when other singleton moms start complaining right around now (32 weeks). not that i'm not sympathetic, i know all too well how much pregnancy can suck, i just don't feel it this time-- i'm really NOT that miserable, & while big, i really don't feel THAT huge. mostly, i'm just really glad we had the twins first, so that this one really does seem like a total breeze.

doldrums

i have some serious blahs going on lately.

the 3rd tri sleepies are a contributing factor, as is my stupid ankle, which is keeping me from doing fun things like taking the guys to the park or starting my garden, but mostly i've just settled into a funk of blah-ness & can't snap out of it. i just can't work up enough enthusiam over anything to get excited about anything. even the pending arrival of #3 in a few weeks isn't enough to light a fire under me. honestly, i'm kind of thinking "eh, another baby".... the excitement of a few weeks ago is fading, & now i'm mostly thinking how much recovery from another c-sec will suck, & about how my workload is about to explode with newborn "fun." i know, i know, i am a rotten, rotten woman for feeling that way. don't think i don't feel guilty about it, i do. but even that isn't enough to shake some sense into me.

i had a check on 3 yesterday, & bc i had no real concerns or problems, the u/s was so quick (doc was running WAY behind) that i barely got a peek at the top of 3's head. i had kind of been looking forward to a real look at the baby again in hopes that seeing 3 would make me feel excited again. now i don't have another look for 3 more weeks, & i feel kind of detached from the baby inside me. (insert comment about how i'm a horrible person & awful mom.)

i seriously doubt that i'll be able to maintain this level of apathy in the face of a living, breathing person. i do LOVE babies afterall, especially my own, so i'm counting on some excitement returning as we get closer to d-day, but for now i just feel beyond lame. i think maybe i'll go baby shopping & pick up something specially for 3 (not that we *need* anything, but baby shopping is always fun) & maybe that will drum up some enthusiasm.

oh wait... i'm staying off my ankle. nevermind. blah.

ow. (a whine)

N is out running, the boys are sleeping, #3 is digging some appendage or other into my ribs, so if i weren't in pain, this would be a nice quiet evening. stupid ankle. (yeah, i know i'm being really whiney. sorry. i'm not whining & complaining in actual life, so i guess i'm doing it all here. feel free to skip this post if you don't want to hear me b*tch.)

i've been off my feet all day today, with the exception of my doc's appt this morning, & OW. my ankle freaking hurts. my OB gave me a script for vi.codin, & then said try not to take it regularly, bc it can cause the baby to become addicted & go thru withdrawl. great. so i'm thinking i'll just take it at night so i can sleep? maybe? this is making me seriously grouchy & very touchy. why can't the damn thing just feel better? sigh.

10 things *most* people don't know about me

• i cannot ride a bike. no really, i never learned. i know, it's weird.
• i am terrified of deep water. like petrified. i can swim until i know the water is over my head, & then all h*ll breaks loose. i once almost drowned a grown man, trained in life-saving, in a full on phobia attack in a lake over this.
• i could happily become a full-on vegetarian, but for my love of seafood.
• i love gardening, but really only my veggies. the front & my flowers get totally neglected at the expense of growing the best veggies in our neighborhood.
• i hated cats until i met N's kitties, & saw the error of my ways. i am now a dedicated kitty lover.
• i let my kids roll in mud, & don't really mind when they occasionally eat dirt.
• once upon a time, i was a hard-core party girl. no really, it's true!
• one of my great ambitions in life is to go to the antiques roadshow. i don't even need to be on tv, i just want to go with N & some of our ancient crap!
• we have a cross made out of a palm (palm sunday-- its a catholic thing) hanging next to a giant set of antlers off a buck N got hanging in our living room. the positioning of both was an accident of convenience & i forget how weird it looks until i notice guests staring at them, but i still haven't moved either.
• i am really good at jeopardy, unless the category is opera.

ok, maybe some of those weren't all that *secret*, but it's sunday so you can't expect too much of me, right?

countdown adjustments

you might have noticed my ticker for #3 suddenly dropped a bunch of days. i decided to change it to reflect the lastest that 3 will actually be born, instead of our technical due date. & now i'm totally freaked out. it's under 2 mos. oh. my. god. not ready. sooooo not ready.

tough guys

bc it's always fun to end your day with cute baby pics:


val: you lookin' at me?

conrad: get in, i'm driving.

& yeah, i'll post real vaca pics later :)

sticks & stones break my bones, but GERD makes me cry.

i broke my ankle. it's a hairline fracture, but it's a fracture & i walked on it ALL week in arlington & DC last week. today i gave up tho, bc it now hurts so bad i can't chase the little dudes around anymore, & spent all afternoon in dr's offices while people tried to tell me it hurts bc i'm pregnant. i finally pitched a total hissy fit & demanded an x-ray & eval by a non-OB, & sure enough it's totally unrelated to me being preggo. duh. this isn't my 1st pg, & i was the queen of swollen appendages with the boys, so i'm pretty sure i know what a pg-swollen ankle feels like. sigh.
so now i'm in an air-cast & supposed to be "off my feet". HA. we'll see how that goes. mostly it just hurts & i don't know what i'm going to do to stay off my feet.

in even worse news, conrad gained ZERO since his last dr. visit, & the puking has returned depite the prevacid. after an appt today & a big pow-wow with our pedi. & his partner (both of whom specialize in this stuff) they think he's a candidate for surgery. basically, it's really bad that he's not gaining & is in fact losing weight, that we can't take him off medicines ever without making things much worse, & that there's been no improvement in his reflux, (which is now offically diagnosed as GERD), since birth.
so we got a referral to a pediatric surgeon who will get the final call. i'm praying we have other options available before we have to resort to surgery, bc it's not minor stuff this time. it's inpatient, requires rehab & abdominal surgery HURTS. i'm super scared just thinking of him having to go through this. we're waiting on the surgery folks to call & set up a consult, & in the meantime if anyone wants to send some good thoughts, vibes or prayers conrad's way, we'd be grateful.

& we're off.... almost.

phew.
done packing for the night. i think. packing with 2 babies is just h*ll. or maybe it's just h*ll for me bc N is sooooo helpful. (can you feel the sarcasm? i love the man, but when it comes to packing, he just needs to follow my list & question nothing. period.)
i am so not looking forward to playing the schedule na.zi on this trip, but i know that's what will happen, bc everyone will be all caught up in touristy stuff & whatnot & forget about feeding the guys & getting con all his meds on time. both of which are crucial this week, since i am determined to have the kid GAIN weight by next monday & keep the excema flare-ups to a minimum so we can keep him off steroids for a while. oh & did i mention val is sick now? so "bubbles" (the nebulizer) will be coming with us. thank goodness we have albu.terol to spare.
sigh....
worth it to take N to DC for the 1st time, & to see my grandfather buried. the cherry blossoms are out, the weather is supposed to be good, this will be a good trip if i have to bash heads to make it happen. wish us luck... we'll be back on Easter.

i feel like a rotten mom

i just yelled at my sick baby. (specifically, i yelled "cut it out" when he was throwing a tantrum, smacking my glasses off my head & screaming bc i wouldn't let him eat the cord to the window blinds.)
i NEVER yell. i don't yell at my husband. i don't yell at my family. i don't yell at our animals, & i certainly don't yell at my kids. i grew up in a house where a person with a frightening temper was in a position of power over everyone, & i try VERY hard never to lose my temper as a result. yeah, i still get pissed, i just remove myself for a moment when i feel like i'm about to lose it, & when i feel calmer, i come back to whatever i was dealing with. it's not that i'm anti-discipline, i'm just anti-yelling.
the thing is, i didn't even feel remotely angry until i snapped at the kid. it was just a run-of-the-mill tantrum. & now i feel incredibly stressed & guilty & rotten for snapping.

maybe its bc i was on my own tonight? (N is working late) that's not an unusual occurance tho. i even got a nap today & got spelled by my mom long enough to cook dinner, so i haven't even been dealing with the sick kids all by myself today. maybe its the stress of the pending trip/crazy family/sick kids/lack of sleep? the crazy family drama has been ongoing since my grandpa's death tho, & sick kids & lack of sleep is nothing new... i had been feeling pretty on top of everything, & now i feel like i need to escape & hide for a while. i hate feeling like a bad mom.
:(

it's a sleepy sunday....

*yawn*

stayed up way too late last night (at least, too late if you're carrying an energy draining parasite & have a couple of sick kids) & am sleepy incarnate this morning. am currently waiting for the guys to fall asleep so i can sneak back in the room & join them for a nap. since he feels so cruddy, con thinks that mama must hold him & only him at all times today. (heaven forbid i touch, hug, snuggle, hold, carry, or otherwise interact with his brother, his father, or even a kitty... he's not usually such a velcro baby, he's one of those kids who is happy as long as you're in eyesight, so i know he must feel really awful. poor kid.)

oh, & in case any one is wondering, the non-date at our house seemed to go well last night. :)

hook ups

would you ever set up a friend with a friend? have you? how did it go?

we (N & i) have done it on rare occasions. once at (my) friend's request. (total bust... altho he is a nice guy, there was just no way in h*ll it would ever have worked. they were too different & we knew it, but bowed to the request anyways.) once at N's friend's request (also a total bust. i was hoping this super nice guy could persuade a dear friend of mine, but a dater of losers, that nice guys were worth her time, but no such luck.)
anyways, after those 2 experiences, we've been a bit hesitant to try our luck again, but N came home last week with a request to set up my best friend with a (new) buddy of his, & after lots of research, (facebook, extensive questioning & a phone interview), i acquiessed. they seem to be getting along, & have set up a "hang out" at our house tonight to watch the fights with N & me. (its a UFC bout-- as a side note, it's a really awesome fight card with my fav fighter in the title bout & i'm a bit bummed to think i may fall asleep half way thru. darn 3rd tri sleepiness!!!)
i don't mind doing set-ups, but i always feel responsible for the parties involved, whether or not i should. i try to remain relatively uninvolved, but the control freak in me insists on checking up on everyone to make sure no one's acting like a big jerk. i honeslty am pry as anxious as the two of them about their little hang out session at our place tonight, & i've been happily married for years now... gah.
set-ups stress me out, & i think they just get more stressful as we all get older. there somehow seems to be so much more pressure on my single friends now that we're all in the 30ish range than there was 5 years ago. it's like everyone holds their breath at every first date, wondering "is this it? is this the one?" & it's enough to make you pull your hair out. plus, the older we get, the more baggage we all accumulate (ex's, divorces, kids, jobs, property, etc....) & you have to figure out if their baggage is compatible with yours, or if its even something you feel like peeking into. both of the two i mentioned above, asked us what was wrong with the other one. bc apparently being over 3o & single means there's something wrong with you? i don't really get that part. i think they're both pretty cool people, who just had some crap luck in past relationships. but then again they're the ones currently in the dating pool, so maybe they know something us boring married folks don't?
it all just seems so complicated, it seriously makes my head spin, & i'm not even the one dating!!!! sigh...

it's a miracle!!

con's skin is CLEAR!!! one more reason i *big puffy heart* antibiotics!
i love that when you finally find something that WORKS, excema disapears overnight. it's the one saving grace in all the horrible itchy scabbiness. so the kid still has some scabs & scrapes, but they can now heal, since his skin isn't attacking itself anymore. (for those of you who haven't ever seen REALLY bad excema, picture the worst diaper rash you've ever seen, the bleeding oozing kind, & imagine that all over his body. the boy looked like a leper.) he does have a lingering infection in the diaper area that had been masked by the excema, but we have a new cream for that & the boy should be MUCH more comfortable soon. he's still itchy of course, but we can deal with that.
one problem down, & only time will tell in regard to the reflux/weight loss issue. my plan is to keep offering him lots of small meals, since he's being such a fussy-pants about eating, & hope he gains. (knock wood) we've had 3 puke-free days on the double dose of prevacid, so i'm beginning to feel hopeful. (knock wood some more). we'll just have to be careful next week traveling, since it always stressed him out & makes both the reflux & excema worse. i'll just have to have a talk with N about putting the baby first, regardless of how badly he wanted to see XYZ, keeping conrad stress-free & eating is more important. it's not that N is a jerk, he just has a military mindset, where he starts thinking that the kids should just be able to "suck it up" & go along with whatever change in schedule is most convenient for the adults. he always listens to reason eventually, he just needs reminding that babies are babies, not troopers & that when a kid isn't well, it's US who need to be accomodating, not them. (insert here how incredibly glad i am that N is NOT in the military. the paramilitary police attitude is enough! & now i'm off on a tangent.... sory...)
& #3 is looking good (had an u/s today) & both boys were perfectly well-behaved & charming at all the doc's this morning. (a miracle in itself!!)

1st birthday pics!

bc i finally had some time, here are way too many pics from the guys' birthday party. (i know there's crappy red eye in these... mostly bc i've been too lazy to edit it out yet... they really aren't demon children!)

ok, here's con with aunt M, reading a birthday card.

val on their new rocking horse (a big hit) with gram & daddy in the background, assembling a new rider.

me & aunt M. i added this one just bc i never post pics of myself (other than belly shots) & i always wonder what people look like, so in case you do too--here's what i look like right now.

conrad decided to open presents on his own. before any one knew what he was doing, he had the paper off the big red one. silly boy-- loves wrapping paper!

val on their new push & ride. believe it or not, he was actually having fun. he just doesn't smile for cameras, little booger!

val on the rocking horse. yee-ha!

val with felon, the most laid back cat ever.

val, testing his cupcake. within minutes, he had totally demolished it & had cupcake EVERYWHERE. good times!

conrad, totally surprised tht he dropped his cupcake. i love this picture. he's just so darn cute!

con & aunt M (pointing to mouth. this is a new fav of both boys-- they point, you say "mouth" or "eyes" or "nose")

& that's that. it was a nice little party, & the dudes got some great stuff, & we all had a good time & ate too many cupcakes! :)

pre-travel insanity, or it never rains but pours

some one in our family has had a dr's appt EVERY freaking day this week. we're supposed to leave tuesday, & have not so much as reserved our rental car. (actually rental van, but whatever.) conrad is an itchy, pukey mess, the birds have to go to the vet tonight (scout has feet issues from her previous life-- she's a rescue), all morning tomorrow conrad & i have dr's appts, meaning val will be there too. i have no real laundry done & tons piling up, since all i've been washing are all-cotton baby jammies/towels for conrad's bath/wet jammies business. we have to shop for critter food for our animal sitters next week, N some how injured his arm & is on perscription pain killers & an icing/pt routine for a week, your truly is in constant pain from this stupid pelvic symphasis & sciatica crap (i thought these would be better with a singleton... nope, still hurts like a b*tch!), & we're going to DC on tuesday! yay!

i'm not really bitter about going on a trip, it's to see my grandfather buried afterall, & n has never been to DC so hitting a smithsonian or two will be cool. i'm just stressing all the extra work & the pain we're all going to be in. (except val, bless his heart!) this is SUCH an awful time for a trip, & con's allergist (who i talked to again this morning) is all worried about traveling with his skin in such bad shape. sigh. he does have (another) doc appt tomorrow morning, so the doc can re-evaluate his skin then & give us some better advice.

all 3 of my men are currently soaking in the tub, so i'm going to go ambush them all with a camera so we at least get some laughs out of all this bathing/wet jammy/injured daddy chaos. :)

crap.

we had a really rough appt with the guys at the pedi this morning... val is just fine. language delayed, but no worries yet over that, as his hearing is fine & he is a twin & 7 weeks early. doc said both are pry contributing factors, so not to stress yet. he's 50th percentile for height & a bit less than that for weight. lots of shots today, plus a finger stick to test lead & hemoglobin levels.

conrad got all the same pokes & measurements, but hasn't grown much height-wise (he & val are now the same height) & actually lost weight in the past 10 days. seriously not cool. he had been gaining slowly, then holding steady & now he's losing. & this is with him actually barfing LESS. his eating habits haven't changed, so we don't know what's up. he had a bunch more blood drawn, in addition to all the pokes, to test for anything wonky going on & should get results back in a couple days. we're dropping the zantac, which seemed to help not at all, & moving to prevacid twice a day instead of just once. we have a follow-up appt a week from monday, but if nothing changes, we're off to a GI doc. & the poor boy's excema is no better after the wet-jammy treatment, altho it did seem to make him temporarily more confortable. we're going to give it another day, then i'll call the allergist back & see what our next step is.

i feel so awful my poor boy is going thru all this crap. he's such a happy little man, despite it all, & it just breaks my heart to see him with all these needles & pokes. we're never out of the doctor's office for more than a week, & i am so freaking upset that he's losing weight. i'm not sure we should even be going to DC next week (for my grandpa's funreal at arlington) with all this going on. he doesn't eat well when we travel, & stress makes the excema worse. the pedi said it was ok to take him, but i just don't know....

this sucks. at least he's still cheerful tho, & val is doing great-- asthma well-controlled & perfectly healthy. (counting blessings....)