She

is here!
Emma X., May 31, 2010, 5:33am. 8lbs 10oz, 20 inches, & perfect in every way.

baby announcement "rules"

(great idea karinanne!)

so, when (& if) you all get a "baby is here" text from me/N, please keep any & all gender/name info to yourselves, so my folks & us can have time to spread the news to family without everyone finding out on fb. once you all see a fb announcement go up, it's a free-for-all, & you can say whatever you want. deal? simple congrats are fine, btw, just no details please! :)

3

days til 3!!

i hope, anyways...

still baking

yup, 3 is just where we left the kid, despite torturing mom all night.

& i stand by my last post, even with the ridiculous lack of sleep & discomfort level. i mean, really-- what's the point of coming now? 3 might as well just hang out til the 1st!

6 days left!

tra la la!!

am now beginning to hope baby stays put until the 1st. i mean really, what's the point of coming early now? it's only a few more days to be miserable, & it would actually be kind of nice to have a planned, non-rushed, non-emergency birth. if all goes as planned, 1 week from today, i will be only an hour away from seeing 3 for the first time!

updates on the rest of life

GERD: it's back. not that it ever really left. but conrad is puking again, pretty regularly. his usual M.O. after a medicine switch is to be fine for a while, then progressively get worse & worse. i'm afraid we're on the downward slope again & i am very scared for him. i know if we can't get this under control it's striaght back to the surgeon & this is NOT a surgery that he could bounce back from quickly. i'm going to track everything that passes his lips & see if we can i.d. some triggers (no luck so far) & have cut out all fat from his evening meal & snack. i don't want to omit the high fat diet entirely, since if he starts losing weight again, or even not gaining, we're still headed back to the surgeon. healthy baby vibes are much needed & appreciated, if anyone has some to spare!

walking: conrad FINALLY took his first unassisted steps yesterday. i knew that when he started, it would be when he was certain he could do it all on his own & sure enough-- that's what happened. he'll only take a few at a time, bc he refuses to allow himself to fall, so he gracefully sinks to his knees when he knows he's losing it (unlike val, who just falls on his face & keeps on trucking). but he's walking & we're all so thrilled, especially his brother, who follows him around clapping-- it's super cute & conrad loves it. :)

3: is a stubborn child. i have been having steady & seriously uncomfortable contractions for several days now, but it's not "real" labor (altho it really feels like the early labor i had with the dudes) so other than being really annoying there's nothing new on that front. c-sec is still scheduled for the 1st (next tuesday) & i'm sure this little booger will just stay camped out until the 11th hour. whatever. baby will come when baby will come & in the meantime i'm just trying to stay busy & occupied so i don't dwell on how freaking uncomfortable i am. which is much easier to do when i'm not puking (thanks zo.fran!)

minivans: we're going hunting today. hopefully we'll find something decent & can bring it home. it's not crucial to have before 3 gets here, but it would be much easier to get done while dealing with only 2 kids instead of 3.

apologies: for the dull updates, but sometimes that's life!

touch a truck! & other updates

this morning my mom & i took the guys to "touch a truck" (a free local kiddie event where they bring out a bunch of cool trucks, police cars, school buses, ambulances, etc for kids to climb all over). & they LOVED it. there's just something about boys & machines...

here we are checking out a police car. it wasn't quite as cool as daddy's, but they still enjoyed it & the nice officer (who knew N) let val play with the radio, which is his favorite on N's uniform, so he was totally tickled & refused to give it up until they got him his own little police badge. (con got one too, & some stickers.) oh, & excuse the hideous tie-dyed t-shirt i'm wearing. i'm running out of decent maternity clothes that fit, so i don't want to hear any hippie comments!


the guys with gram, checking out a firetruck's ladder controls (i think). conrad thought the buttons were super cool & we had a hard time prying him away so other kids could see.

val, next to a giant tire on a navy truck.

conrad, examining the grill on a school bus. he takes his fun very seriously.

& that's that. i found some zo.fran, & it turns out that when i'm not puking constantly i'm in a much better mood (go figure!) so i'm going to try to stay as busy as possible & see if i really can jump start labor... altho as you can see from my ticker-- NINE days left! wooooooo!!!!!

for those who are interested in such things-- still having contrax, they still hurt, back ache still comes & goes with contrax, but they won't stay more consistant than at least 1 every half hour or so. yeah, we have bouts where its more intense, but it never lasts, so i'm still convincing myself we're going to wait another 9 days. or, we'll go into labor before the scheduled c-sec, but the night before or something equally ridiculous. :)

also- the observant among you may notice i'm not wearing my boot in the pics. yes, my foot is still broken, & yes, it still hurts, but the d*mn thing weighs a ton & it feels like i'm dragging a lead weight around, which is pretty much intolerable when you're this pregnant. so i've given up. i am so beyond caring about my stupid heel. i'm sure it's a decision i'll regret later, but again-- soooooo beyond caring right now & like i mentioned in an earlier post, i have decided to go with whatever brings me any small bit of happiness. so down with the boot!!

a new perspective

after a fairly sleepless & cranky night (on my part, not the guys-- they slept from 730pm til 8am!!) i woke up in a surprisingly cheerful mood, & decided to spend the morning outside with my goobers. amazing the change a little sunshine can bring.

i'm still all contract-y & uncomfortable, but i have decided all the minor chaos going on with my uterus lately is just some kind of annoying pre-labor & not a lead up to the real thing. (or its a loooong lead up, since obviously labor at some point becomes inevitable.) that said, my new prediction is that 3 will stay put until the 1st & our scheduled birthday, albiet with lots of contractions & backaches & other fun (i.e. miesrable) activities in the meantime. so since i'm going to be pregnant for another 11 days, (i'm not counting the 1st itself, since that's b-day), i might as well make the best of it.

so i am going to endevour to embrace the discomfort. i will hang out with con & val, wear pajamas every day & eat nothing but ice cream if that's what i feel like doing. i will play in the garden, chase caterpillars with the boys, build giant towers of blocks & read goodnight moon as many times as it's handed to me. i will remind myself that the sleeplessness is temporary, & soon enough i will have another small person to keep me company (& keep me awake) latenight. i will tell myself daily that i have not yet gone into labor bc 3 is not yet ready to arrive, & every extra day spent curled up cozy inside means we will take home a chubbier, healthier baby. i will remind myself of all the kind & loving things my husband has done over the years, so that i do not attempt to kill him in a psycho pregnant frenzy.

in short, i am going to ignore the contractions and enjoy my boys, even when they're screaming & fussy beyond belief, bc these are the last few days we will have as a family of 4 & i am determined NOT to go crazy until i am officially a mother of 3 kids under 2.

everyone is sick, & i am going to be pregnant forever.

sound dramatic? sorry, i'm a bit punchy.

conrad woke up at 5 with a ridiculous fever, i got it down to 100 ish with ty.lenol (generic), but have been unable to put him down all day, which is rough bc val is still sick too (altho not quite as sick as his bro.) took the guys to the doc, & its a virus, so there's nothing we can do but tylen.ol, etc. except-- conrad has lost a half pound in just a few days. not a huge deal for a kid not fighting GERD & weight loss on a good day, but for con it's bad news & if we can't get him eating/drinking again ASAP we're in trouble (doc's words & i am so determined to get him eating i didn't even ask what "trouble" meant.) so i got ice cream & pudding & avocados & other delicious treats (his favs) in an attempt to get him to eat. no luck so far, but he is drinking a little again & i'm hoping when he wakes he'll be up for a little munching. val, on the other hand, has decided that as long as i'm going to feed him ice cream, he'll eat again. not as much as usual, but at least he's eating.

oh & N is getting sick now too.

& i am recovering from my sick, but still having random bouts of nausea (pg related i'm sure) & contrax all day, that won't get regular enough for me to think i'm in labor, but are regular enough to make me super uncomfortable & miserable, & keep me awake for the better part of the night. & once i'm alseep, it's pretty much a guarantee that a poor little sicky will wake up & need mama. i don't begrudge the boys the time, but i could really do without the uselses contractions.

so, according to murphy's law & our good luck, i will either be super contract-y & miserable until june, left to care for all these sickies by my 9-mo. pregnant lonesome, OR i will go into labor like, tomorrow, while everyone is horribly sick, so that i'll be bringing a new baby home to a cess-pool of germs & a daddy unable to help.



p.s. on ta.bitha's salon ta.keover that's on in rerun right now (crappy show, i know....) you can see my old apartment in boystown in chi..cago i don't miss much of chi, but i did love that apartment....

belly/baby pics

here is the 37 week belly. (yeah, i know i have no head & its a 3/4 view... N isn't the best photographer & i was in a rush to shower after being in the garden all afternoon. so i figured a bad picture was better than none!)& for fun, here's the boys at 37 weeks, not quite 3 weeks old & still in the NICU. so tiny & sweet.... makes me look forward to meeting #3 all the more, especially since we'll get to take 3 home with us right away! :)

musings at t-minus 26 days

is it wrong that i am sort of more excited about simply not being pregnant anymore than i am about having another baby?

we got pregnant with the boys in august of 08, they were born in march of 09, & it took me at least 6 mos to start feeling like life was under control again & that my body was my own, & then we got *surprise* knocked up again in september of 09. & before the boys, we had spent a year trying to get pregnant, going thru surgeries, 101 different tests & general TTC messiness. it's been 3 years since i haven't had to think about pregnancy in some stage or another, & almost 2 solid years of being pregnant.

i love my kids, & i feel so incredibly lucky to have them (& i'd even like another one in a few years), but for now, i just want my body back. the new kid can even have my boobs-- that's cool. i just want the rest of me, in a normal shape & size.

i know once 3 is here the baby will obviously take precedence over all of my whiney "i'm tired of being preggo" complaints, but 3 still seems sort of surreal to me. like it's a hypothetical child, instead of a flesh & blood person who will be joining us in the world in 26 short days. i'm not sure if this is bc i've been so busy & preoocupied this whole pregnancy, if it's bc this was an unplanned baby, or maybe bc this has been such an easy pg compared to the guys that i just haven't had to worry/think about it all that much. we haven't had nearly as many peeks at 3 (with the guys we had pretty much weekly ultrasounds, & at the end practically daily) & i could pry count the u/s for 3 on one hand. so maybe it's just the lack of visual contact? who knows. whatever it is, the fact that i will be delivering another kiddo shortly still seems very abstract & distant, despite my desperate desire to no longer be pregnant.

to be honest, i kind of vacillate between "oh my god, the baby's coming & we have nothing done!" to "eh, we have plenty of time, & what does a newborn really need, after all?" it's a bizzare state of apathetic excitement & i'm ready for it to be over & get on with life as a non-pregnant mom of 3.

hurry up & slow down

i want the next few weeks to fly, so i can meet #3 & finally start healing from being pregnant for what feels like years. at the same time tho, i don't want to hurry anything, bc i don't want to lose a minute with my guys. i'll miss them in the hospital, & i know it will take me a while once we get home to get in the swing of having 3 little ones. the boys at a very snuggly, needy age at the moment, & while i know my mom will do a wonderful job of catering to them, i know it will bother me that it won't be ME with them.
don't get me wrong, i do want to spend the time getting to know 3. i want 3 to get the same level of devotion that our first babies got from us, but i know what it is to have to divide your attention, & it hurts, even when you know it's the best thing for everyone. once 3 is here, everything will work out fine, of course, & i will have worried for nothing. but in the meantime i can't help but worry a little, & spend every spare moment i have trying to make my big boys feel as special & loved as i can.


EDIT: ok, i also have to point out here, that while we have just over 30 days til 3's scheduled birthday, 3 could techincally come anytime after may 14th (37 weeks) & be fine. this is just 16 days away!!! anyone want to make some birthday predicitions? i personally think 3 will be a late may baby...

a note to 3, at 33w6d

at this point in out last pregnancy, the boys were already here & had been here for a few days. we could hold them, but they couldn't yet breathe or eat on their own. they were petite little munchkins, with skinny baby butts & scrunchy faces, & they were the most beautiful people i have ever seen.
3 won't be here for several weeks yet, but i can't help but wonder-- who do you look like? do you have a head of fair hair, like your brothers? do you like to sleep with your arms over your head, like conrad, or with them straight out at your sides, like val? are you a thumb sucker?
i feel like we knew your big brothers so much better at this point, since we had so many ultrasounds. you're stayed a little mystery, growing & kicking & bopping away. despite the chaos raging on the outside, you've been peaceful & secure. are you really a laid back baby, or are you just biding your time until you can join in the happy insanity that is our family?
in spite of all the grumpiness going on lately, & our total lack of preparation, i AM looking forward to meeting you, discovering your personality & learning your quirks. you may have been a surprise (ok, a shock), & you may be third, but you are no less loved & no less wanted.

stay safe & grow strong little one, & know that you are loved.

be warned: this is a psycho pregnant lady rant

every scrap of clothing in our house needs to be washed. plus, in a burst if nesting fervor yesterday, i pulled out a bunch of newborn stuff to be washed & folded for 3. (dragging giant tupperware tubs of baby clothes up from our basement after spending hours wandering ikea in a fruitless search for a shelf= bad idea.) i started the wash this morning with puke/pee laundry bc it was stinkiest, & next up is N's mountain of work shirts, (also very stinky), altho to be honest i was seriously tempted to just set fire to his sh*t on the lawn this morning.

i think i've finally hit the super grumpy, exhausted, everything & everyone pisses me off stage of pregnancy.

pretty much all of my patience & smiles are used up on the boys, so by the time i see N at the end of the day i have nothing left, & it's taking a toll.
he was such a b*tch yesterday for unknown reasons. (my guess is that the man is feeling the stress of being totally unready for the pending baby, etc, but bc he is who he is, he will admit to nothing & will just act like a big jerk rather than own up to feeling anxious.) so after trying to cheer him up, offering to help with his "chores", & failing to elicit anything but snide remarks, i gave up & was pretty much annoyed with him all day.
& then i dreamt last night that he had an affair. woke up crying & furious with him. yeah, yeah, it was a dream, but i was still pissed.

aside from general stress, i think part of our pissiness towards each other is actually due to the lack of love life lately. not from lack of desire on any one's part, but bc i am TIRED. by the time N gets home, i have been up since 6 with 2 small men hanging on me ALL day (the guys are going thru a very clingy stage) & the thought of another human trying to touch me pretty much makes my skin crawl. by that point, i don't even want the cats in my lap, & by the time we get the kids to bed, i am usually laying on the couch, drinking water & fending off the BHC that get ever more frequent & uncomfortable throughout the day so i can finally go to sleep.
& due to our awesome procrastinating, on his days off, the "must-do" list is so long that the "want-to" list never gets done. plus, the added grumpiness on his part definetly does NOT make me want to rip his clothes off.

yeah, i know-- this too shall pass, blah, blah, blah.

i think my larger problem at the moment is just that i've hit the frantic, must prepare, grumpy & exhausted for no reason part of this pregnancy. & the fact that i can accomplish none of the things i want to get done without help (stupid broken foot) is driving my type A self absolutely batty. grr.

Twin v. Singleton Belly: Part VII

33 1/2 weeks with #3. (yeah, i'm in pj's & look crappy. everyone will just have to deal with it!)

& 30 weeks with the boys. this was the last belly pic i took with the guys, since shortly after this i started getting really sick with pre-e, & we were in & out of the hospital way too much to think about things like belly pics.
i think i look similarly big, i'm just carrying REALLY differently. believe it or not, at this point with the guys, i was actually measuring past 40 weeks. & conrad was pretty much living in my rib cage. ah, good times! carrying 1 at a time is SOOOOOO much easier, even when it sucks.

& i have to say, i'm ready not to be pregnant anymore. no, i don't want to rush 3-- as far as i'm concerned, 3 can take all the time the baby wants, since we are totally unprepared still. i just mean i'm looking forward to the end of the summer, when (hopefully) i will be sleeping a bit again & will have lost (some) of the baby weight & will generally be feeling less like a small planet. i will have been pregnant or recovering from being pregnant for pretty much 2 years straight by the time 3 gets here, & i'm ready for a break!!

birth stories

sometimes they make me sad.

a couple friends have blogged recently about the births of their older kids, & while i love reading the stories, they make me kind of wistful.

we had to have a c-section with the boys. they let me labor until i was 5 or 6 cm, & then my blood pressure skyrocketed & we needed a c-sec NOW. obviously, when your kids' health is at stake, you don't have a lot of options. i don't regret that surgery one bit-- it brought us our beautiful sons, safe & sound. but bc of the internal incision, my odds of success with a vaginal birth now are optimistically around 50%. i blogged about this some time ago, when N & i decided that those weren't good enough odds for us, & we were opting for a repeat c-section. i stand by that decision, i really do. after talking with my OB (who is generally fairly anti-c-section), we feel like it's the safest option for 3 & for me. but....

hearing the stories of reaching down to feel the baby's head, or even just HOLDING the baby right after birth, make me long for that kind of delivery. you don't get to hold your baby after a c-section. & while i don't mind at all that N gets to be the first to hold our kids, it hurts that i can't hold them right away, too.

in the long run of course, none of this matters. i don't love my boys any less for having them delivered surgically, & it won't change my feelings for 3 or the relationships i have with my kids. it's just the loss of a single moment in their lives & in mine, but it's a moment i'll never get to experience, & that makes me kind of sad.

the ugly green monster

let me preface this by saying, the kids are worth everything i'm about to complain about & then some, & there is NO way i would trade them for anything. that said....

my best bud was over this weekend, & she has been doing WW & hitting the gym big time, & well, she looks awesome. she had just got her hair done, & was all skinny & even dressed up cute (not for me & the boys, but bc she was going on a date with the dude we set her up with later that day), & talking about a cruise she's going on at the end of this week thru mexico.
i was wearing pajama pants (comfiest thing ever when preggo, but not attractive) & one of N's t-shirts bc i was doing laundry & all of my shirts had been puked on recently, hadn't showered in 2 days, so i had a real resemblence to medusa going on, & i was gimping around like a schmuck bc of my stupid ankle. & i felt like the world's frumpiest, most boring housewife ever.

i don't begrudge my bud any of the good times she has coming, she's had her shares of woes & i know she wants very much to be a "boring" housewife & mom, so i'm pretty sure she'd smack me if she knew i was here complaining, but MAN did i feel lame.
less bc of her pending vacation (which is much deserved) & more bc she looks so great, & i look nothing like "myself". (or at least the version of myself i still stupidly expect to see in the mirror. the one who didn't have 3 kids in under 2 years.) i hate not having clothes that fit, i hate the extra 20 lbs that i know are going to hang on for months after 3 is here. & even tho i know this is part of the deal, & most days i can laugh & be glad i'm having such a healthy pg & growing a big, healthy baby, some days i just feel like a frumpy, homely, schmuck.
& i know that after a few months with #3, i'll be able to go to WW (they have a program for breastfeedings moms) & get back to the gym, & i really can't wait. i am so sick of not feeling like myself, & quite frankly i'm a bit jealous of anyone who still looks skinny & awesome, while i look bloated & tired.

ok, i'm done whining, i swear. i chose this life, & i really do love it, but i can't help the green eyed monster from sneaking up on me occasionally. i'm going to kick him out NOW tho & go back to laughing at my little dudes, who are chatting it up in their cribs instead of napping right now. little boogers!

piece of cake

a friend pointed out to me after my lame post yesterday that "normal" pregnancies are boring, so i shouldn't feel bad. & i have to say, i really agree, altho i'd never thought of it before-- normal pregnancies ARE boring. after the drama & pain of carrying 2 for 7ish mos, this singleton pg has been a walk in the park. this is a piece of cake.
don't get me wrong, maybe i'll be singing a different tune in 6 weeks, but after measuring something like 44 weeks preggo with the dudes at somewhere around 30 weeks (if memory serves) i seriously doubt i'll be THAT miserable, & i have to be honest, i don't really "get it" when other singleton moms start complaining right around now (32 weeks). not that i'm not sympathetic, i know all too well how much pregnancy can suck, i just don't feel it this time-- i'm really NOT that miserable, & while big, i really don't feel THAT huge. mostly, i'm just really glad we had the twins first, so that this one really does seem like a total breeze.

doldrums

i have some serious blahs going on lately.

the 3rd tri sleepies are a contributing factor, as is my stupid ankle, which is keeping me from doing fun things like taking the guys to the park or starting my garden, but mostly i've just settled into a funk of blah-ness & can't snap out of it. i just can't work up enough enthusiam over anything to get excited about anything. even the pending arrival of #3 in a few weeks isn't enough to light a fire under me. honestly, i'm kind of thinking "eh, another baby".... the excitement of a few weeks ago is fading, & now i'm mostly thinking how much recovery from another c-sec will suck, & about how my workload is about to explode with newborn "fun." i know, i know, i am a rotten, rotten woman for feeling that way. don't think i don't feel guilty about it, i do. but even that isn't enough to shake some sense into me.

i had a check on 3 yesterday, & bc i had no real concerns or problems, the u/s was so quick (doc was running WAY behind) that i barely got a peek at the top of 3's head. i had kind of been looking forward to a real look at the baby again in hopes that seeing 3 would make me feel excited again. now i don't have another look for 3 more weeks, & i feel kind of detached from the baby inside me. (insert comment about how i'm a horrible person & awful mom.)

i seriously doubt that i'll be able to maintain this level of apathy in the face of a living, breathing person. i do LOVE babies afterall, especially my own, so i'm counting on some excitement returning as we get closer to d-day, but for now i just feel beyond lame. i think maybe i'll go baby shopping & pick up something specially for 3 (not that we *need* anything, but baby shopping is always fun) & maybe that will drum up some enthusiasm.

oh wait... i'm staying off my ankle. nevermind. blah.

countdown adjustments

you might have noticed my ticker for #3 suddenly dropped a bunch of days. i decided to change it to reflect the lastest that 3 will actually be born, instead of our technical due date. & now i'm totally freaked out. it's under 2 mos. oh. my. god. not ready. sooooo not ready.