A bunch of random thoughts....

- I've been doing a bunch of experimental cooking lately. I decided N in particular needs to eat healthier, so I'm enforcing some vegetarian meals & we're trying a bunch of new veggies. Tonight it's beets. :) He's being pretty tolerant of my experiments (some of which have been pretty good!) but I know for a meat & potatoes guy it's a big switch. Seriously, before I started cooking, his idea of a fresh veggies was to open a can of corn.

- I like being back in school. It makes me feel productive. Although the thought of starting a full-time program (which I'll have to do when I start the official dental hygiene program) makes me anxious... I hate the thought of leaving my dudes in any one else's care. It would be ok if I could get my mom to babysit... I know she plays with them, reads to them, makes sure they get outside time, etc, at least as much as I do. I just hate the idea of some one parking them in front of a TV or something. Yup, I'm a control freak.

- & at the risk of offending some folks, I have to have a mini-rant. (sorry guys!) It REALLY irks me when a mom of a singleton complains to me about how hard her life is with her ONE full-term baby. How the little one sleeps though the night at 6 weeks, but gee whiz, mom still feels tired. How they just can't get anything done bc they have to carry around their little one, etc, etc. Come on, people. We did feedings every hour and a half when our TWO came home. At 3 months old, we were still feeding every 3 hours. You have to carry your kid around? Lucky you. It is a rare moment when I have the luxury to just hold one of my dudes, without also having to entertain the other one. We treasure every minute of one on one time, & you complain bc you have nothing but one on one time. I know life with newborns is hard. It's supposed to be. They're babies, for pete's sake. I just wish people had some perspective. Parents of multiples & parents of preemies have exponetially more work & guilt & worry, so please don't expect sympathy from us. I can empathize with newborn woes; I'm not a total jerk. But don't expect me to "poor baby" you.

- I have to go shopping for a dress to wear to my friend's wedding soon. They are 2 of our favorite people, & there is no way we're missing this one, even though it's in Chicago & we're still freaked out about layoffs. (The fact they're moving to Madrid afterwards also has something to do with this!) Anyways.... I am so not looking forward to buying a dress. I HATE the little tummy I've acquired... drives me nuts. (Yes, I'm working on it, but it's not gone yet!) & a bunch of my old work cronies will be there, so I want to look totally amazing so I can not only rub in their faces how happy I am since I left that horric job, but how great I look after having twins. (I know this is incredibly petty of me, but at least I'm honest!) The only downside to my plan is that I don't look that amazing yet.... sigh... so I need to find a dress that will help....

- I kinda want to chop my hair into a long bob. I've had layers forever, & want a change form just growing it out. Any opinions? I'll see if I can finda recent picture of me with my hair down....

ok, here are some pics... not the best, but you can see my hair. (the first one was after I accidentally spilled a glass of wine all over me & con man)this one is with my cousin... i'm too lazy to crop him out, but you can still see my hair, i think.

Vacation is Over.

We're back. sigh....
I didn't realize how badly I needed to get out of here. (I took the dudes north to my folks' place on lake huron for the past week. it was WONDERFUL.) Even though I was stilll doing the bulk of the work that I usually do (all baby related, of course), somehow it was refreshing to be doing it in another place. I feel like myself again, not a boring, bored housewife.
& boy did I need to recharge. I feel so much better I didn't even feel like complaining that N hadn't done laundry, washed dishes or gone grocery shopping since I left. It was like the house was frozen in time. poor N really missed us, which made me feel less like a comfy piece of furniture & more like a valued wife. I know that sounds awful, but I really think sometimes you have to leave to make a guy realize what he's got. & I hate feeling like furniture.
I have some great pics of the dudes doing all kinds of fun baby things up north (babies at the beach, babies at the fair, babies on the deck, & other sundry activities), that i'll try to get up in another post. N is working late tonight, the boys are asleep, & I should be doing homework, but i'm lacking the motivation.
hoping the sense of well-being I picked up this past week hangs out for a while... with school & the lay off stress, I could really use the extra zen-ness in my life. at least I finally got a bit of a summer vacation. bring it on fall-- I'm ready.


p.s. i promise i'll catch up on blogs soon.... i'll read up the next couple days & reappear in comments, i swear!

shit.

sorry for the swearing in the title. i try to be clean, but some days you just need a 4 letter word, & today is one.

N got his unofficial notice today. Officially, they have to be given 30 days notice of any layoff per their contract, & good old gov. granholm came out this morning & told the "state unions" to prepare their members for layoffs this fiscal year. The new fiscal year starts Oct. 1, & the only state union is the troopers association, so essentially she told all the state cops that their notice is coming this week. awesome.
of course, if our state reps ever manage to pull their heads from their rears & get going on the budget, things could hypothetically turn around at the last minute. but the way things have been going in michigan of late, we can't count on it.
N is going to start putting out applications to local agencies on monday. i'm scared for our family, but i'm also really sad for him on a personal level. he wanted to be a state trooper since he was 12-- this is (was) his dream job & he is excellent at it. i know he'll do whatever he needs to in order to keep our family secure, but i know what a blow it is to have your dream job taken from you. of course, at the moment he's mostly furiously angry, but i know the disappointment will come.

i guess we just have to have faith that we'll get through this ok... i told N this morning, it's kind of like he told me when we lost our son last year-- just bc a path leads you through some very dark valleys doesn't mean that its going to end there. we can't read the future, so we just have to do the best with what we're given.

an explanation

that last post seems pretty pathetic, doesn't it?

i just feel like i should KNOW what i'm doing by now, you know? i wanted to teach in college, (hindsight, that's probably what i should have stuck with), but was talked out of it by my dad's near constant stream of how little teachers make, why did i go to U of M if i wanted to teach, blah blah blah. & so i went to law school, which is what everyone expected of me. i got into a good school, got scholarships (only partial tho, which is a big bummer now that i'm not making bank anymore), & did everything i was supposed to-- ended up at a big money job in chicago, at a big firm, working 100 hrs a week, exactly like i was supposed to. my dad got bragging rights ("my daughter's a lawyer, etc") & i hated my life.
i know it probably sounds stupid to people who grew up in normal families, that i could be so affected by what other people think of me. i think its a legacy of growing up in an abusive home. don't get me wrong, i was never hit, (although i can't say the same for my brother), but the emotional abusive was insidious & constant. as an adult, i know it was the alcohol, not us, that was the problem, but the WHY something happens doesn't matter nearly as much as the effects. whatever your intent is, its your actions that matter. i try very hard to make my actions match my intent, bc i know too well how it feels to be told "of course he means well, he loves you" & KNOW with every fiber of my being, based on everything that i saw, felt & experienced, that those words were lies.
i think that's why i've always gone to such great lengths to please & impress. it's the "if i'm perfect enough, i'll be loved" syndrome. & maybe that's why i feel so guilty & loser-like walking away from my history master's. i really think, in my heart of hearts, that the right thing for me to do is to invest my time & money in a career with more certain prospects. so what if it's an associate's degree. no, "my daughter is a dental hygienist" doesn't sound as good as "my daughter is a lawyer", but in the real world, who cares? shouldn't it be more important that i am happy & satisfied as a wife & mom, pursuing a career that i'll enjoy & that will help provide for my family?
10 years ago, even 5 years ago, i would have let the off-the-cuff remarks about how i'm wasting my talents push me towards another bad decision. i've stopped letting this kind of self-defeating crap change my mind, but i haven't been able to banish the thoughts. & so i'm left here, second guessing myself & beating myself up for another "failure".
i love my dad, & he can be a wonderful person, & now that's he's stopped drinking, he is more & more the person he should always have been, but 25 years of behavior can't be erased in 3 sober years. i'm not even sure he recognizes how his behavior affected my brother & me. i'd love an apology, some understanding of how he hurt us, but i'd settle for him learning to love & respect the person i am, instead of the person he thinks i should be.

a footnote-- this is private stuff, so please keep any remarks about it on my blog & no where else. (including in the real world, miss m!) thanks guys....

TEETH! (or- Kate's 4th Career Change)

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna do it. I have been doing a ton of research & calling around to local schools & I think dental hygiene might just be the place for me. Of course, I can't just apply to the DH program I want, I have to take a bunch of science classes & other stuff first, since I was a English/history major in college & law school doesn't really cover alot of human biology, you know? So-- this fall, I think I'll try to pick up a couple at the local community college here, & hopefully be ready to apply for the 2010 school year. Worst case scenario, I have to wait for the 2011 class & then graduate in 2013. Still not bad, all things considered. & then I could be (finally) done with school forever.
It really irks me that the program I want has some random stupid classes, totally unrelated to anything dental, that I still have to take. I understand needing a First Aid course, & nutrition makes sense, but come on-- American government? are they kidding? I have TONS of history, plenty of American-specific history, 3 years of law school, & they need a government class? Part of me feels I'm too old for this sh*t. Sigh.
I've also had some mini-tiffs with N about financial aid. Obviously I will apply for anything & everything I qualify for, but when I told him not to expect too much in the way of grants, etc, he got all pissy with me, like I'm intentionally throwing away free money. Now, I've been in one higher education program or another since I was 18. I am practically a professional student. I also worked as a financial aid counselor for kids applying to high school. When it comes to finding $ for school, I know my stuff. I don't know what he expects from me, but I can't force people to give me free money, just because he thinks they should. I'll try, but I also think we should have realistic expectations about what this will cost us, you know? It's not a huge deal, & I think he's coming around, I was just really annoyed at him treating me like a 17 yr old kid applying for college for the 1st time. Some times I think he forgets that I actually have capabilities beyond that of a mom & homemaker. (& lets be honest, I'm a pretty crappy housekeeper! although I think I'm a good mom, & I'm turning into a decent cook...)
Anyway, I'm back from my tangent now.... I also talked to my mom about babysitting while I'm in class, & she's willing. She sounded supportive of my decision. It's my dad who will no doubt have something to say about it, but whatever. Like N said-- he's not footing the bill (& hasn't been since I was 18) so he has no say in the matter. I just have to keep reminding myself to quit letting him in my head.

Career Change?

ok, once again i'm back to debating my future career plans. i just cannot justify continuing with the historic preservation degree. i love the subject matter, but the pay stinks (not a huge factor, but something to consider since i'll be incuring even more student loans), & the job prospects in MI are slim to none. the economy here isn't likely to turn around any time soon, N's job is in constant peril from stupid politicians, & we have 2 hungry little dudes to take care of. so i think i need something cheaper to obtain & with more reliable job prospects.
don't get me wrong, i'm not about to rush off & tackle something i'd hater doing. i just think it's pry time to grow up a bit. i knew when we decided to try for the dudes that there would be some sacrifices, & i think this is one that i'm willing to make. our family's security is more important than my infatuation with history, & i think i've finally found sometihng that i'd really like doing.

ready for it? i want to go back to school to be a dental hygienist. yup, i want to clean teeth. i really think i'd like it. i like dealing with people, i like focussing on details, i think i'd dig the whole tooth-realted health care scene. the catch is i have to pick up a bunch of science classes before i could start the program, since i was an english major in college. so my plan is to get organized this weekend, & then call the univeristy on monday & talk to a counselor about getting into their dental hygiene program. in theory, if i started work on the pre-reqs this fall hopefully (or this winter at the latest) i'd be done with the whole deal in 3-4 years, just in time for the kids to be starting pre-school, which is when N & I had always planned on me returning to work.
N thinks this is all a fabulous idea, but i haven't mentioned it to anyone else yet (parents especially) for fear they'll think it's just kate being flaky again. i hate having to defend my choices, & i'm kind of gearing up to go on the defensive with this one. especially since returning to school will require some extra baby-sitting time that we're really hoping my mom will provide.

City Living

in the next 2 mos (sept & oct) we have 2 weddings to go to in Chicago for some friends from law school. they're actually 2 of my favorite people, & i could not be happier for either of them, but good lord, after only 2 years away i forgot how expensive it is to live in the city. we called to book our hotel for the wedding in september yesterday, bc in true kate style, i blanked on the date we had to book our room by at the hotel the couple reserved rooms at. so the hotel they reserved was full, & i ended up calling every hotel in the lincoln park/gold coast area trying to find something that was available under $400 a night. yup, $400 a night. we finally found something for the bargain price of $250, & i fully plan on emptying the room of everything that isn't nailed down when we leave. ;)
in spite of the fact that we'll have to carouse with a bunch of lawyers (most of whom really make me want to punch them & some of whom actually deserve it) i'm looking forward to it. i'm dying for some real deep dish pizza... it's just not the same if you aren't in chicago, you know? & we'll have to hit garret's popcorn for my folks, who will be on baby sitting duty that weekend. & i'll catch up with my old roommates, who are now married & engaged & both of whom are perfectly skinny & rich & will be showing off large diamonds for sure. sometimes i wonder how i ever fit in with that crowd... nonetheless, the groom to be (my old law school bud) is a fantastic human being & a genuinely good guy in a profession filled with slimebags, so even if i had to face every WASP in chicago, we'd make the trip!

a bit of randomness: are my kids huge, or is it just me? i've been thinking they're pretty normal size (oh, ok, i guess i know they're kinda big...) they're around 15-16 lbs & over 24 inches long.... (last doc appt was almost a month ago, so i'm guessing here.) i am not a big person & was a very petite baby/kid... i feel like i'm growing monsters! the little buggers will be taller than me by the time they start kindergarten.... geesh... not to mention they outgrow clothes as soon as i buy them. this is a normal baby thing, right?

Our Dilemma Continued...

Since apparently I'm not the only one facing a career-related dilemma I thought I'd throw out some more thoughts on the topic.
I'm in a similar situation as Mandy (see her comment below) regarding early childhood ed. I enjoy it, I'm pretty good at it, but is it enough? Could I teach pre-school for the next 20 years & be genuinely satisfied & happy? & like Kim (see her post below) what if I get the radiology certification & then end up in a health care situation I don't want to be in? While I could almost certainly get a job in radiology (& honestly, that is one of the main draws), & I would probably be reasonable happy with the work, what if I ended up at a hospital instead of a clinic & work hours as weird as N's?
The problem for both these options, for me at least, is that they feel like settling. I've already had one job that I worked strictly for the money, & I was never more miserable in my life. I could probably be reasonably happy in either childcare or a health care field, but is that enough? Is it fair to put my family deeper into debt by racking up more student loans & go after the master's degree with very few job options (if any) available? Is it time for me to just grow up already & do the responsible thing & go after employment instead of a dream job?
My mom stumbled into her career out of necessity, & ended up being very successful & happy in it, so I know that sometimes doing what you need to do can lead to doing what you want...

Honestly, part of me feels a little selfish for mourning the loss of a dream career when I know how lucky I am in the rest of my life. Is it really fair to want it all? Or should we be satisfied with all we already have?