The BBC & Baby Puke

The boys are (fingers crossed) asleep for now so N & I are hanging with the birds & catching up on last week's Dangerous Catch. (I love this show... no idea why watching dudes fish for crab is so compelling, but it is!) In our hours in front of the TV holding babies, we've also discovered the joys of BBC America. I am now totally addicted to their cooking shows. We are Top Chef junkies, but since the season ended, we've been in food tv withdrawal, & BBC has some awesomely English food shows. Last Restaurant Standing (like Top Chef, but with restaurants) & The F Word are really fun. Or maybe we're just so sleep deprived the accent alone is enough to entertain us. It's possible. & now Val is crying, so I'll have to finish this later...

a day later & I'm back, typing & watching (what else?) The F Word on the BBC. Love it.

The guys are sleeping, although Conrad has had a really rough few days. His reflux has gotten so bad, we took him back into the doc yesterday. Poor guy has been screaming, puking & eating non-stop. He's been so tired from screaming & puking that he falls asleep during feeds & then pukes up half his food, & is hungry again almost right away. So now he's on prevacid once a day & we're supposed to see some improvement by the weekend, but so far it's not been any better. So N & I are exhausted & Conrad is still pretty miserable, which sucks. Really hoping this works... I hate seeing my baby so distraught. On the upside, the holding after feeds & tilted crib are working well for Val, so we're about 50% on combating the reflux right now, although with the screaming & lack of sleep it sure feels like the reflux is winning.

A Cop-Out Post (but really cute pictures!)

i love this pic-- my 3 fav guys, all cuddly together.

& this one cracks me up-- Val was seriously pissed about being on the floor & Con was happy as can be.

I found a little slice of heaven

& took a 4 hour nap this morning on the floor of our currently empty babies' room. it was awesome. the boys are really noisy sleepers & last night was an especially rough one since the guys were not on the same schedule & both were getting up every 2 hours. So when Val got up at 5 (after we put them down at 4) I got up with him & handled both boys & got bottles, milk, etc ready for the morning & then left N a note at 7 saying he was on his own until I woke up. Grabbed my pillow, curled up on the floor, sunshine streaming in, no blankets, no mattress, & racked out. I almost felt human again when I woke up, although I felt really guilty for leaving N on his own for 2 feedings. He was only minorly grumpy about it, & honestly-- it was worth it!

& in non-baby related news-- N has figured out how to make the most amazing cheesecake from scratch. For those who don't know, he is an amazing baker (seriously great with deserts-- he makes the world;s best carrot cake) & this new cheesecake is phenomenal. I am such a lucky girl! :)

My Folks are Back!

They're finally healthy & came over today to hold their grandbabies for the 1st time, which was great for them, & even better for N & me!!! We each got a shower, everyone was being held so there were no crazy reflux attacks fora while, & now everyone is sleeping peacefully-- Con in the bassinet & Val in his bouncey. It's heaven!

Chick-Tac-Toe

For those who don't know, Detroit has casinos. The "fancy" local kind, although because of its location, there are alot of people there on payday and when the welfare checks come out. Still a nice time, it's just how it is. Anyways, we're watching TV last night & I see a commerical for "Chick-Tac-Toe" at the Motor.City Casino. This, apparently is tic-tac-toe played against a live chicken. (the goal is to beat the chicken.) Vegas has Cirque-de-Solei & we have a tic-tac-toe playing chicken. Gotta love the D!

We Smell Like Baby Puke

yum.

:P

the guys (con on left, val on right) in the ducky bibs & hats my aunt sent. they were both all kicky-pants when we took this, busy chewing on each other's fingers. :)

To Spoil or Not to Spoil?

this is another 1 handed post, due to conrad the puke-master (poor baby!) so please forgive my typing...


IT'S FREE WING TUESDAY!! ( the bw3's by our house gives away a wing for a wing on Tuesdays & n & i are becoming buffalo wing junkies--yum!) & we have game 3 of the wings/ blue jackets series tonight (hockey for the non-sports fans), so its shaping up to be a good day despite the fact that i haven't had a free hand all day. (the dudes are needing lots of holding for some reason, so between them & pumping, i'm a one-armed momster today!)

random poll: what are your thoughts on "spoiling" babies?

i am of the "you can't spoil a newborn" school-- we respond to every cry, so there is no "let him cry it out" in our house. i think they're just too young & all "spoiling" does at this point is teach them that they are safe & loved. i know people have different theories on this though, & my opinions are definitely colored by our NICU stay, where you can't always be there to comfort, etc. so what do you all think-- can you spoil a baby?

Glamour Shots

Con man making eyes at his bro

Val looking pretty

Post-babies Shopping & Visits from the Fam

So I decided that I have make a trip to get some real clothes before N goes back to work. Right now all I have that fits are sweats. My maternity pants are too big, & all pre-preggo stuff is too small. (Especially my shirts... I'm living in N's T-shirts. My boobs totally exploded-- I started as barely a B cup & now am almost a D. It's insane.) I tried a quickie hunt for jeans at Target that was a total bust, so I think I need to go to a real store & devote some time to figuring out exactly what size I am now, since all the trip to Target told me was that low-rise jeans are no longer my friend!

I've never had to dress to hide a tummy before, & I think having some stuff that really fits will make me feel less like a frump. Funny how looking decent can almost magically make you feel more like yourself, after days & days of jammies & glasses & icky ponytails. I know I'll get (most) of the leftover weight off eventually, but until then I'd like some real clothes!

In other news-- my folks keep making up little errands that bring them to our house (they live about 2 minutes away). It's strictly to get them a quick peek at the guys (they still haven't been able to see them yet. They're recovering from their colds, but we won't let them hang out until they're completely healthy.) It also means we keep getting baked treats & stuff from my mom, which is pretty cool. They're so excited to be able to hang out with the guys that my dad actually volunteered to do baby-watching duty when N goes back to work so I can get some sleep. (This is a big deal, as he barely did diapers for me & my bro!) & my mom is making curtains & stuff for the boys' room, which is still in pieces. It will be really good to have them healthy & able to help-- even tho we adore the dudes, it gets lonely stuck in the house all day.

The guys also had their first visit from their auntie M (my best bud, who is my only IRL reader-- hi honey!) So it's starting to feel a little more normal having them home. I feel like we're moving slowly toward some sort of new equilibruim. I'm sure it will all be thrown off again when N goes back to work, but having some help during the days will be HUGE in keeping us moving towards normal.

a note to lurkers-- welcome & please feel free to comment! some one had mentioned they didn't feel comfortable commenting bc they didn't know me, but it's cool-- if you comment, then I'll get to know you! :)

Time to Eat...

or not.

I am having the hardest time eating lately. Since the guys arrived (they were 4 weeks old on Thursday, btw-- yay dudes!) I just don't eat. When food is available I make myself eat something bc I have to eat to feed the guys, but today for instance, it's almost 2pm & I hadn't eaten anything since dinner last night except a cup of coffee (N made me a sandwich & I had half, but I just don't want any more.) & dinner & some twizzlers was all I ate yesterday. it's like I'm too tired for food or something. I'm still making lunch for N, etc, but I just don't want to eat. Is this some kind of new mom phase or something? Usually I love to eat, but I could care less lately. Oh well... milk production is not suffering, so as long as the guys are getting enough I guess it's cool. Just odd.

So I mentioned yesterday I'm supposed to increase the guys' bfing sessions to twice a day, but (& this might sound weird since I'm such a big bfing fan) I'm having a hard time finding time. I don't really have a good location to bf (our couch is enormous but not comfy for me-- it's made for a huge man (N) not a very short woman (me) & we have no recliners or anything) so getting "set up" to bf is a huge pain, especially when I'm solo, bc I can't leave the pillows & stuff up all the time. & the guys still insist on bfing with the nipple shield. It really helps them out, but again is a pain to get set up. & I still have to offer a bottle afterwards & then pump. (Oh, & don't forget there's a whole other kid to feed too!) I really want bfing to be successful (& when we get set up, it usually is) but it's such a huge production & so time-consuming I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. I'm wondering if I should give up & just pump. For now I'm persisting & hoping it gets better, but I just don't know.

N is out picking up our stroller right now... I am pretty excited about that. I was supposed to go, but the guys were up every 2 hrs last night & I am so sleep deprived I just want to sit on the couch & cuddle a baby today. Val is rustling, so I'm off to get a bottle & diapers. Happy Saturday guys!

Feeling Human

for once! :)

We just got back from the guy's doc appt, & good news-- they each gained a TON this past week! At least 2oz per day per boy! So Val is now 6lb12.5oz & Con 7lb1/2oz. They're doing really well, so I got an ok to increase the breastfeeding sessions to 2 a day (we can supplement with formula or EBM (expressed breastmilk) as needed of course), & we can start doing some normal newborn things like tummy time, etc. N gave in & we now have bouncers that are newborn appropriate & they are AWESOME. Both guys are hanging out in them now, & it is fabulous-- no one is puking, N & I both have our hands free, it's really, really, really great. (Did I mention its GREAT?)

We also got an ok to take the guys out to non-people filled venues (like a walk around the neighborhood.) Still not up to grocery stores etc, but I'll take a short trip outside-- just being able to leave the house sounds like heaven, so I'm pretty happy with that.

N & I had a good talk this morning, & he agreed to take off til 1 week past their due date (which is all I wanted originally, so I'm happy.) That way, hopefully my mom will be healthy again & can help, I can have a trial run being "on my own" at night while N is still here & available to help, & I think that will help me feel a little more confident, although I'm sure I'll still totally freak out a ton more between now & then. (yay for postpartum hormones & lack of sleep induced insanity!)

N finally 'fessed up on why he's been acting so oddly. Basically, while we're thrilled to finally be parents, having 2 little people consuming all of your time & resources (financial, emotional & otherwise) really highlights all the things you haven't done yet in your life. It's like he's having a "midlife crisis" at 30. Which is ok. I can understand that, I just need him to share those thoughts with me, otherwise I start thinking he resents me & the guys (which is totally where my mind has been headed lately) & then I start to resent him for daring to be frustrated. (bc let's be honest, no matter how amazing & helpful dad is, mom is the one who really gets the sh*t end of the stick when caring for newborns. it's just how it is, by virtue of having boobs & mommy-brain.*)

so that's where we are today. it's better place. still sleep deprived & scary, but more in control & optimistic. once again, the guys are fussing... must be time to eat!

*mommy-brain= the inability to focus on anything but your baby's cries when said baby is wailing for any reason.

N & the Con-man

Val in his bouncer (yay!)

thanks guys! (yup, i'm still freaking out)

(3 posts in 1 day... gee, its like old times!)

anyways, thanks for being so supportive, even when i'm complaining like a jerk! i really appreciate the reflux advice-- if there is any more out there lurking, please pass it on. we have a doc. appt for the guys on Friday & will be revisiting the reflux treatment to see if we can find something that works.

i did bust out a sling wrap today, but haven't tried it out yet.... the guys are a little big to carry both at once (as of yesterday-- con was 6lb12oz, & val was 6lb7oz. oink, oink!) so i could have one guy in the bassinet & one on me. & i think we will try kim's trick to tilt the pack n play.

i know a certain amount of this (or all of it) will just be trial & error, i just feel totally ill-equipped as a mom & am feeling very out-of-sorts. i'm fine with the guys, but spend a good part of every day seriously pissed off, usually at N. (justified or not... i'm not sure. probably not, most of the time.) i haven't said anything to him & have been bottling up, bc i'm sure i'm just being a bit of a basket case. i did ask him to take another week off (its paid & he can, but he doesn't want to) & he said he'd take another couple days. when he seemed annoyed that i wanted him to take more time off, i asked him how he'd feel if he were in my shoes, looking at at least 2 mos. at home, essentially unable to go anywhere but doctor's visits. he claimed he'd be fine. either he's being glib, or i'm way off base with how scared i am to be on my own.

about N going back to work.... he really loves his job, & is a total work-a-holic. he works 12 hr shifts, so on days he works i'm essentially solo. & because his job is potentially dangerous every day, i don't want him going to work too sleep deprived, so on the nights before he works, it will be essentially just me. per N, the "plan" is we'll do shifts-- i'll sleep 7-12, & he'll sleep 12-5:30 (in theory), but honestly most nights he doesn't walk thru the door until 7 or 8. maybe i'll feel better about all this once my folks are healthy & can help out a bit, but for now i just feel like a girl without a plan.

this blog has totally turned into a self-indulgent whine... eventually i will sort this out & find some even ground. in the meantime i guess i just keep treading water.

Cuties

Val working the paci & throwing some "rock out" fingers for dad.

Con's surprised face :)

reflux & daddy woes

Warning-- this is a pretty pissy vent-- please don't take offense, it's not directed at anyone here.

N is going back to work (or at least he REALLY REALLY wants to) on the 4th & I am having panic attacks about it. I think we're going to start sleeping in shifts, but how on god's green earth am I going to feed 2 babies, diaper 2 babies, hold 2 babies, clean 2 babies, do laundry (this is an every day necessity for the boys), eat, take care of the critters & remain semi-human? (Practical suggestions only here-- please don't tell me how perfectly normal it is to feel all of that & how we'll get through it eventually-- of course I know it's normal & we'll survive, but those thoughts offer absolutely NO help or comfort right now.)

For the reflux, we've tipped their cribs, (not sure if this is helping yet or not) but during the day we can't tilt the pack n play, & only have 1 bassinet, so we can't tilt them during the day, & N for unknown reasons is refusing to get another bassinet or swings/bouncers appropriate for small babies (we have some that will work when the boys are older already) so that they can be tilted during/after meals & I can be hands-free for a bit. (We're supposed to hold them upright for 20-40 minutes after every feeding to help keep their food down.) When you're on your own, this makes feeding both boys a 2 hr process. & then I have to pump. (we're at 2 &1/2 hrs now) & since the guys eat every 3 hrs, I really don't have the foggiest idea how N expects me to make this schedule work by myself. He seems to have no idea why I'm worried about being on my own & thinks I need to just suck it up. & I probably do, but for now I'm mostly just freaking out & randomly really angry that he seems to think I should just be able to magically handle this all with a smile so he can escape to work. (Sorry to be a whiny pain guys, but please-- don't tell me how "normal" this is....if I hear another word about how "normal" this is from some one who never dealt with crazy screaming reflux or multiples, I might lose it.)

if you made it this far, thanks for reading. The guys are doing great, & cute as ever! I'll post some new pics once I get them uploaded.

Zombie Life

Newborn sleep poll: how many hours together would your LO(s) sleep when you first brought them home?

Just curious...
:)

I actually have the use of both arms for a little while right now... both guys are asleep (in theory) in the bedroom, & N is out. Too bad I am too brain fried to come up with a decent post!! :P

My guys are on a 2 day bender of waking up starving every 2 hrs right now, & it has turned N & me into total zombies. He just left for the bank to pay our mortgage (the idiots screwed it up again, & seem to think that our only house is a vacation house & jacked us for a bunch of taxes we don't really owe, so he has to actually go see the bank people to fix it. grrr....) Anyways, other than to say "you want to get bottles or diapers?" & "when are you leaving?" we haven't spoken since around 11pm last night. (don't worry, am not stressed over the lack of convo, am just using it as a barometer of how exhausted we both are.) The reflux trauma is really a kicker, since a screaming miserable baby is not condusive to any one of the 4 of us getting some sleep.

Just for fun, here's a brief glimpse into my day: wake up to fussy boys, fix bottles (yup, its breastmilk, but we're still using almost entirely expressed stuff), change val, change con, clean everything they may have managed to pee/poo on, feed a baby, burp a baby, (if con-- keep holding for a while in hopes of gettting him to sleep), put boys down to sleep, pump, do dishes/laundry/animal care, grab baby who is now crying & refluxing & hold until asleep again, sit for maybe 1/2 hr in lack of sleep induced stupor, repeat. we do this all day with slight variations, & at night i try to sleep instead of doing laundry.

i hear val crying, so i'm off to start the cycle again. :D if i weren't totally in love with these little boys, i think i'd be nuts by now--lol!