Feeling Human

for once! :)

We just got back from the guy's doc appt, & good news-- they each gained a TON this past week! At least 2oz per day per boy! So Val is now 6lb12.5oz & Con 7lb1/2oz. They're doing really well, so I got an ok to increase the breastfeeding sessions to 2 a day (we can supplement with formula or EBM (expressed breastmilk) as needed of course), & we can start doing some normal newborn things like tummy time, etc. N gave in & we now have bouncers that are newborn appropriate & they are AWESOME. Both guys are hanging out in them now, & it is fabulous-- no one is puking, N & I both have our hands free, it's really, really, really great. (Did I mention its GREAT?)

We also got an ok to take the guys out to non-people filled venues (like a walk around the neighborhood.) Still not up to grocery stores etc, but I'll take a short trip outside-- just being able to leave the house sounds like heaven, so I'm pretty happy with that.

N & I had a good talk this morning, & he agreed to take off til 1 week past their due date (which is all I wanted originally, so I'm happy.) That way, hopefully my mom will be healthy again & can help, I can have a trial run being "on my own" at night while N is still here & available to help, & I think that will help me feel a little more confident, although I'm sure I'll still totally freak out a ton more between now & then. (yay for postpartum hormones & lack of sleep induced insanity!)

N finally 'fessed up on why he's been acting so oddly. Basically, while we're thrilled to finally be parents, having 2 little people consuming all of your time & resources (financial, emotional & otherwise) really highlights all the things you haven't done yet in your life. It's like he's having a "midlife crisis" at 30. Which is ok. I can understand that, I just need him to share those thoughts with me, otherwise I start thinking he resents me & the guys (which is totally where my mind has been headed lately) & then I start to resent him for daring to be frustrated. (bc let's be honest, no matter how amazing & helpful dad is, mom is the one who really gets the sh*t end of the stick when caring for newborns. it's just how it is, by virtue of having boobs & mommy-brain.*)

so that's where we are today. it's better place. still sleep deprived & scary, but more in control & optimistic. once again, the guys are fussing... must be time to eat!

*mommy-brain= the inability to focus on anything but your baby's cries when said baby is wailing for any reason.

N & the Con-man

Val in his bouncer (yay!)

thanks guys! (yup, i'm still freaking out)

(3 posts in 1 day... gee, its like old times!)

anyways, thanks for being so supportive, even when i'm complaining like a jerk! i really appreciate the reflux advice-- if there is any more out there lurking, please pass it on. we have a doc. appt for the guys on Friday & will be revisiting the reflux treatment to see if we can find something that works.

i did bust out a sling wrap today, but haven't tried it out yet.... the guys are a little big to carry both at once (as of yesterday-- con was 6lb12oz, & val was 6lb7oz. oink, oink!) so i could have one guy in the bassinet & one on me. & i think we will try kim's trick to tilt the pack n play.

i know a certain amount of this (or all of it) will just be trial & error, i just feel totally ill-equipped as a mom & am feeling very out-of-sorts. i'm fine with the guys, but spend a good part of every day seriously pissed off, usually at N. (justified or not... i'm not sure. probably not, most of the time.) i haven't said anything to him & have been bottling up, bc i'm sure i'm just being a bit of a basket case. i did ask him to take another week off (its paid & he can, but he doesn't want to) & he said he'd take another couple days. when he seemed annoyed that i wanted him to take more time off, i asked him how he'd feel if he were in my shoes, looking at at least 2 mos. at home, essentially unable to go anywhere but doctor's visits. he claimed he'd be fine. either he's being glib, or i'm way off base with how scared i am to be on my own.

about N going back to work.... he really loves his job, & is a total work-a-holic. he works 12 hr shifts, so on days he works i'm essentially solo. & because his job is potentially dangerous every day, i don't want him going to work too sleep deprived, so on the nights before he works, it will be essentially just me. per N, the "plan" is we'll do shifts-- i'll sleep 7-12, & he'll sleep 12-5:30 (in theory), but honestly most nights he doesn't walk thru the door until 7 or 8. maybe i'll feel better about all this once my folks are healthy & can help out a bit, but for now i just feel like a girl without a plan.

this blog has totally turned into a self-indulgent whine... eventually i will sort this out & find some even ground. in the meantime i guess i just keep treading water.

Cuties

Val working the paci & throwing some "rock out" fingers for dad.

Con's surprised face :)

reflux & daddy woes

Warning-- this is a pretty pissy vent-- please don't take offense, it's not directed at anyone here.

N is going back to work (or at least he REALLY REALLY wants to) on the 4th & I am having panic attacks about it. I think we're going to start sleeping in shifts, but how on god's green earth am I going to feed 2 babies, diaper 2 babies, hold 2 babies, clean 2 babies, do laundry (this is an every day necessity for the boys), eat, take care of the critters & remain semi-human? (Practical suggestions only here-- please don't tell me how perfectly normal it is to feel all of that & how we'll get through it eventually-- of course I know it's normal & we'll survive, but those thoughts offer absolutely NO help or comfort right now.)

For the reflux, we've tipped their cribs, (not sure if this is helping yet or not) but during the day we can't tilt the pack n play, & only have 1 bassinet, so we can't tilt them during the day, & N for unknown reasons is refusing to get another bassinet or swings/bouncers appropriate for small babies (we have some that will work when the boys are older already) so that they can be tilted during/after meals & I can be hands-free for a bit. (We're supposed to hold them upright for 20-40 minutes after every feeding to help keep their food down.) When you're on your own, this makes feeding both boys a 2 hr process. & then I have to pump. (we're at 2 &1/2 hrs now) & since the guys eat every 3 hrs, I really don't have the foggiest idea how N expects me to make this schedule work by myself. He seems to have no idea why I'm worried about being on my own & thinks I need to just suck it up. & I probably do, but for now I'm mostly just freaking out & randomly really angry that he seems to think I should just be able to magically handle this all with a smile so he can escape to work. (Sorry to be a whiny pain guys, but please-- don't tell me how "normal" this is....if I hear another word about how "normal" this is from some one who never dealt with crazy screaming reflux or multiples, I might lose it.)

if you made it this far, thanks for reading. The guys are doing great, & cute as ever! I'll post some new pics once I get them uploaded.

Zombie Life

Newborn sleep poll: how many hours together would your LO(s) sleep when you first brought them home?

Just curious...
:)

I actually have the use of both arms for a little while right now... both guys are asleep (in theory) in the bedroom, & N is out. Too bad I am too brain fried to come up with a decent post!! :P

My guys are on a 2 day bender of waking up starving every 2 hrs right now, & it has turned N & me into total zombies. He just left for the bank to pay our mortgage (the idiots screwed it up again, & seem to think that our only house is a vacation house & jacked us for a bunch of taxes we don't really owe, so he has to actually go see the bank people to fix it. grrr....) Anyways, other than to say "you want to get bottles or diapers?" & "when are you leaving?" we haven't spoken since around 11pm last night. (don't worry, am not stressed over the lack of convo, am just using it as a barometer of how exhausted we both are.) The reflux trauma is really a kicker, since a screaming miserable baby is not condusive to any one of the 4 of us getting some sleep.

Just for fun, here's a brief glimpse into my day: wake up to fussy boys, fix bottles (yup, its breastmilk, but we're still using almost entirely expressed stuff), change val, change con, clean everything they may have managed to pee/poo on, feed a baby, burp a baby, (if con-- keep holding for a while in hopes of gettting him to sleep), put boys down to sleep, pump, do dishes/laundry/animal care, grab baby who is now crying & refluxing & hold until asleep again, sit for maybe 1/2 hr in lack of sleep induced stupor, repeat. we do this all day with slight variations, & at night i try to sleep instead of doing laundry.

i hear val crying, so i'm off to start the cycle again. :D if i weren't totally in love with these little boys, i think i'd be nuts by now--lol!

easter sunday randomness

this picture cracks me up... my little fly-catchers!

i don't have anything super exciting to add today... we're spending easter sunday at home with the dudes, watching ben hur on cable... woo-hoo! :)
my folks managed to catch colds right when the guys came home, so its been just me & n... baby laundry is getting done, but nothing else, & i'm living in my pj's. (which i really don't mind, truth be told!) oh, sorry again for the typing.. con is monopolizing my left arm again & i want the poor baby to get some rest. i don't want to put the little man down since the crazy reflux seems better when they're being held.
even the kitties & birds are chill & quiet today-- it is sooooooo nice! everyone is starting to adjust to having the boys home. the cheepers in particular are having a hard time with the new noises & crazy schedule, but little by little it's getting better & the psycho bird screaming is improving.

some other random news: i finally got brave enough to get on a scale & i've lost over 40 lbs... granted a good chunk of that was water weight from the pre-e, but its still nice to see the numbers dropping. 20 more & i'll be happy-- i don't expect to ever have my pre-twins body back! :P i'm not dieting tho, exclusively bf-ing my guys is enough of a work out for now. someday i'll post about the havoc the boys wrecked on my poor body, but i just don't care enough right now to stress it. the stretch marks & belly bother me much less than the damage on my joints, but hopefully it will all get better in a few months & i'll stop moving around like an 80 yr.old.

sorry for the long winded, poorlt typed ramble....hope everyone is having a happy easter!

home coming update & the joys of reflux

val & con sleeping/punching each other (both fav passtimes already!) on their 1st day home. (note-- we don't co-bed generally bc of SIDS, but when we're supervising we let them nap together in their pack n play during the day, since they seem happier & calmer in each other's company. & they're darn cute together, aren't they?)

forgive my bad typing today, i'm posting while holding con & he's tying up most of my left arm & it's typing abilities.

the boys have been home for 3 days now, & it is WONDERFUL having them home... although sleep has become the stuff of dreams. last night they took turns waking me every hour, which mean mom never got more than a half hour of sleep at a time--the dudes are definitely in charge! :)

all going smoothly (or as smoothly as can be expected) so far. both guys have reflux, but con's is bad enough to wake him screaming & crying (he's otherwise a very calm & peaceful baby) & i hate seeing him so miserable. the baby vitamins they're on also don't seem to be doing either guy any favors in the comfort department. their 2nd doc appt is next week, & we'll be reassessing the reflux situation then. we don't want to medicate unnecessarily, but we also don't want anyone suffering unnecessarily. (if anyone had/has reflux babies-- how did it present & how did you guys treat it? any success?)

sorry this is a really lame update... my brain is fried, but i wanted to at least let you all know we're all here & thriving (or at least the boys are & that's what matters!)

MY BOYS...

ARE HOME!!!!!!

Ouch!

Sorry if this is TMI, but you all can deal with it! :)
I have a plugged duct from the stupid too-tight bra I've been wearing bc I can't find a nursing bra that fits, & it HURTS! ow ow ow ow.... suggestions to help are welcome... just pumping/nursing through it so far. warm showers. kinda helps, but still... OW!

update:
Boys are doing ok... keeping fingers crossed their tests keep going well, & trying to tie up lose ends at home. It's really hard to keep up with laundry & the other sundry details of life when I'm living at the hospital 24/7. I think we're back on top of things again tho... at least for a while. :P

Pictures & Thanks

Just because he's super cute-- Val in "I just drank my weight in milk" bliss.

These are some pics from yesterday-- right after I post about wishing to see my babies together again, I come out of the breast pumping room at the NICU yesterday to this. It blows my mind how perfect they are. :)

(oh, & Con is all red bc he was working on a poo at the time... lol!)

Daddy & his boys. -- my 3 favorite men!
A special request for anyone willing-- they're doing an o2 trial on the boys... please keep a good thought for my little men, we're praying they do well off the o2! & Val is scheduled to get his circumcision tomorrow if he stays event-free, so we're hoping he handles that well too. (I have to admit, Con's came out well, but I still hate the thought of them having even a really routine "procedure" like a circ.)

& some special public thanks to one of my fav blogger buds-- Kariann ("The Captain's Wife" & an awesome new mom) sent us the most adorable sweats for the boys-- SOOOOO CUTE! & a bunch of diapers, which we definetly need! :) Thank you bunches, it was super, super sweet of you guys to think of us, & I loved the pic of little princess K-- she is gorgeous!!

Some Rays of Sunshine

It was a beautiful sunny spring day today, & since I've been such a downer lately, I just wanted to post & say we had a pretty good day with the guys today. (Actually every minute with them is wonderful, but today was event free & peaceful feeling. Unusual in the NICU, & a welcome change!)

You second time moms may be more jaded, or used to these feelings, but as a first timer with what may be our only kids, I am going to indulge in a little new mom bliss while I still can...

They really are beautiful boys & we are so blessed. I had no idea you could love some one (2 someones!) so much. The depth of feeling I have for them defies explanation. They even make me love N that much more (another something that I didn't know was possible.)

They're starting to show more of their personalities & it amazes me how well I knew them when I was still pregnant. Con is still laid back & such a patient, sweet baby, while Val is our little firebrand-- he waits for nothing & no man, & has no qualms about letting you know that he is in charge. I cannot wait to have them home & have the time to pour over their fingers & toes & memorize all the little creases in their wrists & knees, & drink in all their perfect babiness.

I am also very excited to re-introduce them to each other. After weeks in separate cribs (side by side, but separate) will they even know who the other baby is next to them? I wonder if they miss each other now, as much as I miss them or more. Will Val still kick Con every chance he gets? Will they still want to cuddle together?

The NICU cheats you out of so many firsts, but I think it may also make the silver lining easier to find in the sleepless nights & hectic days to come. I just want our babies home with us, so we can feel like a real family finally.

The Sky is Crying

It's really just raining out, but it fits my mood. Still in NICU limbo, both boys now on o2, which we think is helping, but won't know til they try them off of it, & both boys had scary events today, which has left me pretty shattered this evening.

thank you so much for all your kind words yesterday... this very scared & lonely new mom is grateful you guys care enough to keep sending such supportive comments.

I Am Frustrated.

Before you comment on this one, I have to say that yes, I KNOW this will improve. I KNOW that things could be far worse, & I KNOW that this is "normal" for preemies. Rationally, I know all of that kind of stuff, & I would NEVER rush my boys-- we only want what's best for them. That said, the part of me that is winning at this moment is the part that is screaming "none of this is fine, or normal-- I want my babies healthy & home with me. Now."

Their periodic breathing is their last hold up. They don't want to send us home on oxygen, as the amount they're getting is so low as to be practically "homeopathic" in the words of one of our docs. But it helps, so they will not be taken off it for a while. They won't do car seat tests or Val's circ until their breathing is mature, so basically we're in NICU limbo. No one has any idea how long it will take them to figure out how to breathe, & bc the way their periodic breathing is presenting is so unusual, everyone seems to have slightly different opinions. Their x-rays are all clear, they can't find any physical problems & the general consensus seems to be that they need more time & caffiene won't help in this situation. So we wait. & wait. & wait. This is pretty much their last hurdle at this point. N & I are just frustrated & missing our boys.

I know some of you have been through far worse, & I apologize for complaining about this... but I'm worried, & stressed & firstrated & need to vent. Sigh....

The Boys at 35 weeks & 4 days

Val, after his bath

N & Val, pigging out

Con working on a burp

Val, getting dressed by mom

A very sleep Con after his circ.

Me & Con


A note on pics: N & I don't take a ton of photos in the NICU, as its usually dark & the flash really irks the boys. So we kind of take pictures in bunches.

It cracks me up how much the guys look like their dad when he was a baby, & how much they look like each other. I also think its really funny that I have blonde babies. :)

Another random thought: today was the first time some one told me that one of my boys looked like me. I absolutely loved hearing it. :)

Babies Update:Trying to Catch Our Breath (literally)

Here's the latest on the boys' breathing:
Everyone seems totally confused by what's going on, as both guys are having atypical breathing patterns. The nurses, N.P & neo.doc. all had a "conference" today on what could be going on. They aren't sure, but the docs think it's "immature breathing patterns". Basically, this means they still breathe like preemies, even though they will technically be 36 weeks on Sat, they were born early & are "wimpy white boys" (heard that one before, right Kim? For the non-NICU savvy-- "wimpy white boys" refers to the fact that white boys generally fare the worst & take longer than all girls & all other ethnic backgrounds when born prematurely.) The patterns are atypical in that they don't experience dips in their heart rates when the desats happen, & generally both recover on their own. (if you aren't familiar with desats, just know that its short term for low blood oxygen levels.) Because Val's desats are deeper, he is still on oxygen through his nasal cannula. They're going to try low level o2 & see how he does with reduced flow over the next few days in an attempt to wean him off the o2 if possible. Because Con's desats are not as deep, he is just being monitored for now, but if he starts desating like his brother, he'll get therapeutic o2 as well. All this means the guys will be in the NICU for a while yet. Which is fine, we'll deal with whatever we need to in order to get & keep our guys healthy & safe.
Con also got circumcised today, which totally sucked for him & me. He pretty much slept the entire rest of the day & was not quite his usual self. I hate that he had to go through that, but am comforted that he won't remember & hopefully will heal quick. We're waiting to do Val's until he's off the cannula, but the docs want to do both boys a while before they go home so they can monitor any changes in their breathing after the procedure.